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Dutch Category 1: The Heart’s Preparation – Checking Your Own Motive
This initial step is about the internal work required before engaging another person. It is about ensuring the confrontation originates from a place of humility, self-awareness, and love, rather than from pride, anger, or a desire to be right.
Matthew 7:3-5
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
Reflection: This is the foundational text for healthy confrontation. It addresses the human tendency toward projection—seeing in others the very faults we cannot face in ourselves. To approach another with integrity, we must first engage in courageous self-examination. This act of “plank removal” is not about achieving perfection, but about cultivating the humility and charity that make clear sight and gentle hands possible.
Galatians 6:1
“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.”
Reflection: This verse is the very heart of redemptive confrontation. The call is not to pounce on a flaw but to come alongside a person who is entrapped. The spirit of gentleness creates the emotional safety necessary for true healing. The final warning, “watch yourselves,” recognizes that the one offering help is just as susceptible to brokenness, which dismantles any sense of moral superiority and fosters a profound, healing humility.
James 1:19-20
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
Reflection: This is a powerful directive for emotional regulation in conflict. The desire to speak first is often rooted in defensiveness or a need for control. By prioritizing listening, we honor the other person’s reality and humanity. The caution against anger is crucial; anger, in its raw human form, is often self-serving and escalates conflict, creating wounds rather than fostering the righteous, whole relationships God intends.
Leviticus 19:17
“Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in their guilt.”
Reflection: This ancient wisdom reveals a profound emotional truth: unspoken resentment is a form of hatred that corrodes the soul. To remain silent in the face of a significant wrong is not kindness; it is a passive form of enabling that makes us complicit. Frank, honest rebuke, done rightly, is an act of love for both our neighbor and ourselves, freeing us from the poison of bitterness.
Colossians 3:12
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”
Reflection: This verse describes the “uniform” one must wear before entering into any difficult conversation. These qualities are not merely attitudes but active, relational virtues. Approaching someone while “clothed” in this way changes the entire emotional dynamic. It communicates that the person’s inherent worth and belovedness are not in question, even when their behavior is.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”
Reflection: While often read at weddings, this is a radical guide for confrontation. A confrontation rooted in this love will never be a performance (boasting, pride) or an attack on the other’s dignity (dishonor). It will not be driven by a need to win (self-seeking) or by pent-up grievances (“keeping a record of wrongs”). It is a call to a love that is fundamentally oriented toward the well-being of the other.
Category 2: The Mandate & Method – How to Speak the Truth
Once the heart is prepared, Scripture provides clear models and commands for how the confrontation should be conducted. The focus is on a process that is truthful, loving, private, and restorative.
Matthew 18:15
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.”
Reflection: This is the quintessential model for Christian conflict resolution. The command is active (“go”) and direct, but also profoundly respectful of the person’s dignity. The initial confrontation is private, preventing public shame which triggers defensiveness and shuts down any chance of repentance. The goal is not to win an argument, but to “win over” a person—a beautiful image of relational restoration.
Ephesians 4:15
“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.”
Reflection: This verse presents the two essential, inseparable elements of healthy confrontation: truth and love. Truth without love is brutality. Love without truth is sentimentality that enables dysfunction. Holding them in tension creates an environment where difficult realities can be discussed without destroying the relationship. This is the very essence of spiritual and emotional maturity.
Ephesians 4:29
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Reflection: This is a filter for our words. Before confronting, we must ask: Is what I am about to say truly for their building up? Does it speak to their need, or my own need to vent? Will this benefit them emotionally and spiritually? This shifts the focus from merely being “right” to being genuinely helpful and constructive, which is an act of profound care.
Proverbs 25:11
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.”
Reflection: This beautiful image speaks to the art of timing and phrasing in confrontation. The content (the “apple of gold”) is valuable, but its presentation (the “setting of silver”) is what makes it truly beautiful and receivable. A harsh truth can be rejected, but a carefully and graciously delivered word of correction can become a treasured gift.
2 Timothy 2:24-25
“And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth.”
Reflection: This instruction for leaders applies to all believers. It contrasts a quarrelsome, argumentative spirit with one of kindness and patience. The key insight is that our gentle instruction is only part of the equation; true change of heart (“repentance”) is a gift from God. This frees us from the pressure to “fix” the other person and allows us to be a faithful, non-anxious presence in their life.
Proverbs 15:1
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Reflection: This proverb reveals a fundamental principle of human emotional dynamics. Harshness naturally begets defensiveness and anger; it is a threat. A gentle response, however, de-escalates conflict. It communicates safety and respect, making it possible for the other person to lower their emotional guard and actually hear what is being said.
Category 3: The Goal – Forgiveness and Restoration
Confrontation is not an end in itself. Its divine purpose is to clear the way for forgiveness, reconciliation, and the healing of both the individual and the relationship.
Luke 17:3
“So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them.”
Reflection: This verse presents a clear sequence: rebuke, repentance, forgiveness. The rebuke is necessary to name the wrong, creating the possibility for genuine repentance. Forgiveness is conditional upon that repentance, not to be punitive, but because true reconciliation requires both parties to be on the same page about the reality of the harm done. It is a pathway back to relational wholeness.
Colossians 3:13
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Reflection: This places confrontation and forgiveness within the context of a shared, imperfect community. “Bearing with each other” acknowledges that we will all have grievances. The command to forgive is not based on whether the other person “deserves” it, but is rooted in our own experience of being forgiven by God. This re-frames forgiveness not as a feeling, but as a moral decision motivated by gratitude.
2 Corinthians 2:7-8
“Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.”
Reflection: This follows a successful confrontation where a person has become repentant. Paul’s concern shifts immediately from correction to care. The goal is restoration, not punishment. There is a danger of “excessive sorrow” or shame, which can be spiritually crushing. Therefore, after a rebuke is received, our love and acceptance must be explicitly reaffirmed to draw the person back into the safety of community.
Proverbs 27:5-6
“Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
Reflection: This verse challenges our modern aversion to discomfort. It reframes a loving rebuke as more valuable than a “hidden love” that is too timid to speak up. The “wounds from a friend” are not malicious; they are like a surgeon’s necessary incision, intended for healing. This honors the courage and trustworthiness required to tell a friend a difficult truth for their own good.
James 5:16
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
Reflection: This verse highlights the communal and healing nature of dealing with wrongdoing. While confrontation is often one-directional initially, the ultimate goal is a culture of mutual confession and prayer. This shared vulnerability is the antidote to the shame and isolation that sin creates. Healing happens not in secret, but in safe, prayerful, and honest relationships.
Galatians 6:2
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
Reflection: Following the instruction to gently restore someone, this verse provides the broader context. A person’s sin is a “burden” that affects them deeply. A loving confrontation is not about adding to that burden with condemnation, but about stooping down to help them carry it. It is an act of empathy and solidarity that lies at the very heart of the Christian life.
Category 4: Wisdom for Giving and Receiving Correction
This final category offers insights into the different responses to confrontation and the profound value of being a person who can receive correction well.
Proverbs 9:8
“Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you.”
Reflection: This is a deeply insightful piece of relational wisdom. It teaches us to discern the heart-condition of the person we approach. A “mocker” is someone with a closed, prideful spirit who will respond to correction with contempt. A “wise” person, however, understands that correction is a gift that leads to growth, and they will feel gratitude and love toward the one who cared enough to offer it.
Proverbs 12:1
“Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid.”
Reflection: The word “stupid” here is not about intellect, but about a moral and spiritual dullness. It describes a person who is stubbornly resistant to growth. To “love discipline” and correction is to have a humble, teachable spirit—the very posture that allows for the acquisition of wisdom and knowledge. Our reaction to being confronted is a powerful indicator of our character.
Proverbs 17:10
“A rebuke impresses a discerning person more than a hundred lashes a fool.”
Reflection: This highlights the futility of trying to force change on a person who is not open to it. For a “fool”—someone closed off to wisdom—even severe consequences may not produce insight. But for a person with a “discerning” heart, a single, well-placed word of correction can penetrate deeply and produce meaningful, lasting change. It underscores the importance of a receptive heart.
Proverbs 28:23
“Whoever rebukes a person will in the end gain more favor than one who has a flattering tongue.”
Reflection: This addresses the long-term relational outcome. Flattery feels good in the moment but is ultimately a form of deceit that hinders growth. A truthful rebuke may create temporary discomfort, but when offered in love, it builds deep, lasting trust. In the end, people value friends who make them better, not just friends who make them feel good.
2 Timothy 4:2
“Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.”
Reflection: This is a charge to be steadfast. Confrontation isn’t only for “convenient” moments (“in season”). Sometimes it’s necessary when it’s uncomfortable or unwelcome (“out of season”). The key is the manner: it must always be paired with “great patience and careful instruction,” recognizing that growth is a process, and encouragement is just as vital as correction.
Hebrews 12:11
“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
Reflection: This verse normalizes the pain of being confronted and corrected. It is an emotional and spiritual “discipline.” It gives us permission to acknowledge that it hurts. But it also gives us a profound hope: if we allow ourselves to be “trained by it”—to learn from it rather than resent it—the ultimate result is a life of greater peace and integrity.
