1 of 10
What You’ve Agreed To
Lesson 1 of 10 · About 13 minutes
What You’ve Agreed To
What does an officiant do, and is this a wedding I should lead?
You plan and lead a service in which two people make their promises before God and witnesses, and you see the legal part done right; for some couples, their church asks a friend to take a different part.
01
The question in front of us
Near the end of the marriage service in the American Book of Common Prayer of 1928, the minister speaks to the congregation and tells them what has just happened. “FORASMUCH as N. and N. have consented together in holy wedlock, and have witnessed the same before God and this company, and thereto have given and pledged their troth, each to the other, and have declared the same by giving and receiving a Ring, and by joining hands; I pronounce that they are Man and Wife, In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.”
Look at who does what in that sentence. The couple consented. The couple pledged their troth, each to the other. The couple gave and received a ring. The minister’s part comes last, and it is to say aloud, in the name of the Trinity, what the couple have done.
That is close to the job you have said yes to. You will plan a service with two people you love, lead it, hear their promises along with everyone else who came, pray for them, and make sure the paperwork the law asks for is done right. Churches understand the minister’s part differently, and the difference matters to you, because it decides whose wedding a friend can lead.
The short answer
You have agreed to plan a Christian service with the couple, lead it, hear their promises with everyone else in the room, pray for them, and see that the licence is signed and returned. In most Protestant teaching the couple make the marriage by their promises to each other, and the officiant leads and witnesses. Catholic and Orthodox teaching give the priest a part a friend cannot take. In an Episcopal church a priest normally presides, and in a United Methodist church someone other than the pastor may lead only with the pastor’s consent. So before you plan anything, ask the couple which churches they belong to.
02
Part 1: You Said Yes
Part 1 covers the weeks between saying yes and writing the first word of the ceremony. It takes three questions in the order they become urgent.
Lesson 1, What You’ve Agreed To, says what an officiant does: plan a service with the couple, lead it, hear their promises, pray for them, and see that the licence is done right. It also explains why the Catholic and Orthodox churches give the wedding to their own clergy, and why some others ask for a priest or the pastor’s consent, so you can find out early whether this is a wedding a friend can lead.
Lesson 2, Making It Legal, sets out what most states ask, the places where the rules catch friends out, and the question of online ordination. It starts your licence checklist and shows you what to ask the clerk who issued the licence, who has the last word.
Lesson 3, Sitting Down with the Couple, is the planning conversation: their story, their faith, their families and the day. It ends with the first page of your script.
The order is deliberate. Whether you can lead this wedding at all, in the eyes of the couple’s church and of the law, has to be settled before you plan anything. Once it is, the couple’s own words give Part 2 what it needs to write the ceremony with you.
03 · Attend to Scripture
What does an officiant do, and is this a wedding I should lead?
He answered, “Haven’t you read that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh’? So that they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, don’t let man tear apart.”
Matthew 19:4–6 · World English Bible
04
What an officiant does
Jesus was asked a question about divorce, and he answered by going back to the beginning: the Creator “made them male and female”, and “the two shall become one flesh.” Then he added, “What therefore God has joined together, don’t let man tear apart.” In his sentence, God does the joining. Your work at a wedding is real, but it is smaller than that, and it falls into four parts.
1. Plan it with them
You sit down with the couple, hear their story, and agree on the order of service, the readings, the vows and who does what. Lesson 3 covers that conversation. You are planning a service, not preparing them for marriage: that belongs to their pastor or a marriage-preparation course.
2. Lead it
You welcome the guests and say why they have come, read or introduce Scripture, give a short address, ask the couple the questions, lead them through their vows, and pray. Part 2 of this course writes every one of those pieces with you.
3. Witness it
The couple make their promises to each other, in front of you and everyone else in the room. Your part is to hear them clearly and, at the end, say before everyone what the couple have done.
4. Make it legal
In most places the officiant checks the licence, signs it after the ceremony and sends it back on time. The law where the wedding happens decides who may do that. Lesson 2 shows you how to find out.
Scripture
Matthew 19:4–6
You lead
One service
You sign
The licence
05
Who makes the marriage?
Tradition
What makes the marriage
What the minister does
Most Protestant churches
What makes the marriageThe couple’s promises to each other, made before God and witnesses. Reformed churches put it most plainly: the Westminster Directory of 1645 opens its marriage service by saying that marriage is “no sacrament”.
What the minister doesLeads the worship, hears the vows, prays for the couple and declares them married
Catholic
What makes the marriageThe spouses themselves: in the Latin Church they “mutually confer upon each other the sacrament of Matrimony by expressing their consent before the Church” (Catechism 1623)
What the minister doesA priest or deacon “receives the consent of the spouses in the name of the Church” and gives the Church’s blessing (Catechism 1630); without him the marriage is not valid (canon 1108)
Orthodox
What makes the marriageThe service of Crowning, in which the priest blesses the couple and crowns them (Hapgood’s Service Book, 1906)
What the minister doesAsks each of them whether they come with “a good, free and unconstrained will”, prays God to “conjoin” them, then crowns the bridegroom and the bride
06
When the couple’s church has a say
Some couples need a priest, or their own church’s minister, or at least that minister’s consent, and it is kinder to everyone to find that out in the first conversation.
If either of them is Catholic. The Catholic Church holds that a marriage is valid only if it is made before the bishop, the parish priest, or a priest or deacon delegated by one of them, and two witnesses (canon 1108). The rule binds anyone baptised in the Catholic Church or received into it, even when the other partner is not Catholic (canon 1117). The Catechism gives the reason: the priest receives the couple’s consent in the Church’s name, and his presence, with the witnesses, shows that marriage belongs to the life of the whole Church (1630–1631). A bishop can allow a lay person to receive the consent only where priests and deacons are lacking, and only with the Holy See’s permission (canon 1112). For a marriage to a partner who is not Catholic, the bishop can also release the Catholic from this form when grave difficulties stand in the way (canon 1127). If the couple have that dispensation, their priest will tell them what kind of ceremony is allowed. Ask him before you agree to anything.
If either of them is Orthodox. In the Orthodox churches the wedding is the service of Crowning, in which the priest blesses the couple and crowns them. Guidelines from the Orthodox Church in America’s Diocese of New York and New Jersey say that Orthodox Christians who marry outside the Church “exclude themselves from participating in the Holy Eucharist”. The same guidelines tell a couple to seek their priest’s blessing and advice before they set a date. Other Orthodox dioceses have their own guidelines, and the couple’s priest will know them. Under these, a wedding led by a friend would cost the Orthodox partner Communion.
If the wedding is in an Episcopal or United Methodist church. The Episcopal prayer book of 1979 says that a priest or bishop “normally presides”; a deacon may lead only where the law allows it and no priest is available. In the United Methodist Church, the Judicial Council ruled in April 2025 that “A marriage ceremony is a religious service” and that the pastor decides whether to perform it. If the pastor declines, the church’s buildings are closed to that wedding “unless the pastor consents to let some other qualified person perform the service.” So in an Episcopal church, expect a priest to preside. In a United Methodist church, another qualified person, which could be you, may lead only with the pastor’s consent. Either way, ask the rector or pastor before you agree to anything.
None of these rules is a judgment on you. Each church is guarding what it believes a wedding is. There is still a great deal you can do. The same Episcopal page says that “It is desirable that the Lessons from the Old Testament and the Epistles be read by lay persons”, so you may be asked to read. You can pray for the couple before the meal at the reception, give a toast, or help them with the day. Where the legal wedding needs a registrar or an authorised minister, as in England and Wales, a friend can lead a separate ceremony that is not the legal one. For a Catholic or Orthodox partner, though, their church’s wedding is the wedding, and a friend’s ceremony cannot take its place.
07 · Historical witness
A minister of the word, 1645
In 1645 Parliament replaced the Book of Common Prayer with the Westminster Assembly’s Directory for the Public Worship of God. The Directory begins its section on marriage by saying what marriage is not: “no sacrament, nor peculiar to the church of God, but common to mankind, and of public interest in every commonwealth”.
It still wanted a minister at every wedding, and it said why. Those who marry “have special need of instruction, direction, and exhortation, from the word of God”, and of God’s blessing, so a minister should lead the wedding “that he may accordingly counsel them, and pray for a blessing upon them.” After the vows, the minister was to “pronounce them to be husband and wife, according to God’s ordinance”.
The Directory expected an ordained minister. If the couple belong to a Presbyterian or Reformed church, ask their pastor whether their church still expects one before you go any further. But the reasons it gives describe the service this course teaches: the word of God read and opened, prayer, and blessing. The one duty in that list that this course does not give you is counsel. That belongs to the couple’s pastor.
08 · A question people ask
I’m not a pastor. Can I lead a Christian wedding?
In the eyes of the law, the question is whether you are authorised where the wedding takes place, and Lesson 2 shows you how to find out. In the eyes of the church, it depends on the couple’s tradition. In most Protestant teaching a wedding is a service of worship built around the couple’s promises, and churches differ on who should lead it. Some are glad for a Christian friend to do it; others, like the Westminster Directory, want a minister of the word. Ask the couple’s church.
What you bring is not a title. You know the couple. You will prepare, you will pray, and you will keep the service pointed at God and at the two people making their promises.
09
What the rest of the course gives you
Lesson 2 takes you through the law: the licence, the declaration, the signatures and the deadline, the places where the rules catch friends out, and a licence checklist to fill in for this wedding. Lesson 3 is the planning conversation with the couple, and it starts your script.
Part 2 writes the ceremony with you, one piece per Lesson: the order of service, the welcome and the readings, a short homily, the declaration, the vows and the rings, the prayers, the pronouncement and the blessing. Where an old rite has the right words, such as the 1928 Prayer Book, you can use them as they stand. By the end of Lesson 8 your script is finished. Part 3 gives you a rehearsal plan, with a run sheet and a diagram of where everyone stands, and takes you through the day itself, down to signing the licence and sending it back.
10 · A practice for today
Ask before you agree to anything else
Twenty minutes with the couple
- Ask each of them which church they belong to, if any, and which church they grew up in. If either of them is Catholic or Orthodox, stop here and ask them to talk to their priest first.
- Ask where the wedding will be: the town, the county and the building. If it is a church, ask whether its minister knows they have asked you, and what part a guest may take.
- Ask whether the venue has rules about who may officiate, what may be said, music, candles or timing.
- Ask what they hope the ceremony will be like: how long, how formal, how much Scripture and prayer.
- Ask whether either of them has a pastor, and whether they plan a marriage-preparation course.
- Write down the date, the time and the place, and which office will issue the licence. Lesson 2 starts there.
A prayer when you have said yes.
Lord God, you join a husband and wife, and no one else can.
Thank you for the two people who asked me, and for their trust.
Give me wisdom to know my part and humility to keep to it,
and give me words that turn everyone in the room toward you.
Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
Sources and further reading
- World English Bible
- The Book of Common Prayer (Protestant Episcopal Church in the U.S.A., 1928): The Form of Solemnization of Matrimony (1928)
- The Directory for the Public Worship of God (Westminster Assembly, 1645), Of the Solemnization of Marriage; Halifax reprint, 1828 (1645 (reprint 1828))
- Catechism of the Catholic Church, nos. 1623 and 1630 (1992 (English, Libreria Editrice Vaticana))
- Code of Canon Law (1983), Book IV, canons 1108, 1112, 1117 and 1127 (1983, as amended 2009 and 2016)
- Isabel Florence Hapgood (translator), Service Book of the Holy Orthodox-Catholic Apostolic (Greco-Russian) Church (Boston, 1906): The Order of Marriage, or of Crowning (1906)
- Orthodox Church in America, Diocese of New York and New Jersey: Concerning Marriage, Archpastoral Guidelines (updated 30 August 2016) (2016)
- The Book of Common Prayer (Episcopal Church, 1979): The Celebration and Blessing of a Marriage, Concerning the Service (p. 422) (1979)
- Judicial Council of The United Methodist Church, Decision 1516 (25 April 2025) (2025)
Paintings
- Bernard Picart, Céremonie du Mariage chez les Reformez à Amsterdam (Gereformeerde huwelijksplechtigheid), lower plate of a sheet of two, 1730. Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam (RP-P-OB-51.714). CC0 1.0 (Rijksmuseum).
- Emanuel de Witte, Interior of the Oude Kerk, Delft, c. 1680. The Art Institute of Chicago (1941.1038, Charles H. and Mary F. S. Worcester Collection). Public domain (Licensed-PD-Art: PD-old and the Art Institute of Chicago’s CC0, Wikimedia Commons).
Scripture quotations are from the World English Bible, which is in the public domain.
