Is It Okay to Date Someone Who Isn’t a Virgin?

How does God view premarital sex and virginity?

God’s view of human sexuality is one of powerful love, beauty, and sacredness. The gift of our sexuality is meant to be a reflection of God’s own self-giving love within the Trinity. In His divine plan, sexual intimacy finds its fullest meaning and expression within the covenant of marriage, where it serves to unite husband and wife and to cooperate with God’s creative power in bringing forth new life.

The Church has consistently taught that sexual relations outside of marriage fall short of God’s plan for human love and sexuality. This teaching is rooted in Scripture, where we find numerous exhortations to purity and chastity. As Saint Paul writes, “The body is not meant for immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body” (1 Corinthians 6:13).

But we must be careful not to reduce God’s view of sexuality to a set of prohibitions. Rather, the call to chastity before marriage is an invitation to prepare ourselves for the total gift of self that marriage requires. Virginity, in this light, is not merely the absence of sexual experience, but a positive state of wholeness and integrity.

At the same time, we must remember that God’s mercy is infinite. While premarital sexual activity is not in accord with God’s plan, it does not place someone beyond the reach of God’s love and forgiveness. Our Lord Jesus Christ came not to condemn, but to save and to heal. He offers His grace and mercy to all who turn to Him with contrite hearts.

In considering God’s view of premarital sex and virginity, we must hold in tension both the beauty of His plan for human sexuality and the reality of human weakness and sin. We are called to uphold the ideal while extending compassion and understanding to those who struggle or fall short. As I have often said, the Church is not a museum for saints, but a field hospital for sinners. We are all on a journey of conversion, growing in holiness and striving to align our lives more fully with God’s will.

Can I still have a godly relationship with someone who isn’t a virgin?

The short answer is yes, you can have a godly relationship with someone who is not a virgin. God’s grace is powerful and can transform any heart that is open to Him. A person’s past does not define their future, nor does it limit God’s ability to work in and through their life.

Remember the words of Saint Paul: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17). Through the sacrament of Reconciliation and a sincere commitment to living virtuously, a person can experience powerful healing and renewal, regardless of their past experiences.

That being said, building a godly relationship requires intentionality and commitment from both partners. It is important to have open and honest conversations about your values, beliefs, and expectations regarding sexuality and chastity. Discuss how you will support each other in living out your shared commitment to purity and growing in virtue.

A godly relationship is one that helps both partners grow closer to God and to become the best versions of themselves. This can be achieved with someone who has had past sexual experiences, provided they are now committed to living according to God’s plan for sexuality.

But it is crucial to approach this situation with wisdom and discernment. Consider whether your boyfriend has undergone a genuine conversion and shows true remorse for past actions. Look for evidence of growth and a sincere desire to live chastely now. Pray together, attend Mass together, and encourage each other in your faith journeys.

Remember, too, that a godly relationship is not built on perfection, but on mutual love, respect, forgiveness, and a shared commitment to following Christ. I often emphasize that the Church is not a community of perfect people, but of forgiven sinners striving for holiness.

In your journey together, focus on building a strong foundation of friendship, trust, and shared faith. Let your relationship be a witness to God’s transformative love and grace. With God at the center, and with mutual commitment to living virtuously, you can build a beautiful, godly relationship that glorifies Him.

Should I break up with my boyfriend because he’s not a virgin?

This is a deeply personal decision that requires prayerful discernment. It would be unwise for me or anyone else to give you a simple “yes” or “no” answer. Instead, I encourage you to reflect deeply on your relationship, your values, and your hopes for the future, always seeking God’s guidance through prayer.

Remember that we are all sinners in need of God’s mercy. As I have often said, “Who am I to judge?” Your boyfriend’s past does not define him, nor does it necessarily determine the course of your relationship. What matters most is who he is now, how he has grown from his experiences, and his current commitment to living a life of virtue.

Consider the following questions:

• Has your boyfriend shown genuine repentance for his past actions?
• Is he committed to living chastely now and in the future?
• Do you share the same values and vision for your relationship and potential future marriage?
• Does your relationship bring you closer to God and help you grow in holiness?
• Can you see yourself building a life together based on mutual respect, trust, and shared faith?

If the answers to these questions are positive, then his lack of virginity need not be a reason to end the relationship. Many beautiful, Christ-centered marriages have been built between partners where one or both had previous sexual experiences.

But if you find that you cannot move past this issue, if it causes you major distress or resentment, or if it is seriously impacting your ability to trust him, then it may be wise to reconsider the relationship. Your peace of mind and emotional well-being are important.

It’s also crucial to examine your own heart. Are your feelings rooted in a genuine concern for living out God’s plan for sexuality, or are they more about jealousy, insecurity, or a desire for control? Be honest with yourself about your motivations.

Remember, too, that breaking up is not the only option if you’re struggling with this issue. You might consider taking some time apart to pray and reflect. You could also seek guidance from a trusted spiritual advisor or consider couples counseling to work through your feelings together.

This decision must be made between you, your boyfriend, and God. Pray for wisdom and discernment. Listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Trust that God desires your happiness and holiness, and that He will guide you if you remain open to His will.

Whatever you decide, approach the situation with compassion – both for yourself and for your boyfriend. Let your actions be guided by love, not fear or judgment. And remember, God’s plan for your life is one of hope and a future, regardless of the path this particular relationship takes.

How do I deal with feelings of jealousy or insecurity about his past?

Feelings of jealousy and insecurity are natural human emotions, especially when confronted with a loved one’s past experiences. But it’s important to address these feelings in a healthy, constructive way that aligns with our Christian faith and values.

Acknowledge your feelings without judgment. It’s okay to feel hurt, jealous, or insecure. These emotions often stem from a place of love and a desire for a special, unique bond with your partner. Bring these feelings to God in prayer. As the Psalmist writes, “Pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us” (Psalm 62:8).

Next, try to understand the root of these feelings. Are you worried about measuring up to past partners? Do you fear that your boyfriend might compare you to others? Are you concerned about the strength of your emotional connection? Identifying the specific fears underlying your jealousy can help you address them more effectively.

Remember that your boyfriend’s past experiences do not diminish the uniqueness and value of your relationship. Each relationship is distinct, and the love you share is not lessened by what came before. As I often remind the faithful, God’s love for each of us is personal and unique – and so too can be the love between partners.

It’s also crucial to practice forgiveness – both of your boyfriend and of yourself for these difficult feelings. Forgiveness is at the heart of our faith, as Jesus taught us to pray, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us” (Matthew 6:12). Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or pretending the past didn’t happen, but rather choosing to let go of resentment and move forward in love.

Communicate openly and honestly with your boyfriend about your feelings. Avoid accusatory language, but express your insecurities and ask for his support and reassurance. This vulnerability can actually strengthen your bond and build greater intimacy.

Focus on building trust and creating positive experiences together. Engage in activities that strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection. Pray together, study Scripture, or participate in church activities as a couple. These shared experiences can help reinforce the special nature of your relationship.

Work on building your own self-esteem and sense of worth, independent of your relationship. Remember that your value comes from being a beloved child of God, not from your relationship status or sexual history. As Saint Paul reminds us, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God?” (1 Corinthians 6:19).

If you find these feelings overwhelming or persistent, don’t hesitate to seek help. Speaking with a trusted spiritual advisor, counselor, or therapist can provide valuable tools for managing these emotions.

Finally, entrust your relationship to God. Pray for His guidance, wisdom, and peace. Trust that He can heal wounds, calm fears, and strengthen your love. As I often say, “Let us not be afraid to say ‘yes’ to Jesus, to find our joy in doing his will and to give our whole heart to the love of God and neighbor.”

Remember, that growth in love and holiness is a journey. Be patient with yourself and with your boyfriend as you navigate these complex emotions together.

What does forgiveness look like in this situation?

Forgiveness is at the very heart of our Christian faith. It is a powerful gift that we have received from God, and one that we are called to extend to others. In the context of your relationship, forgiveness is not a one-time event, but an ongoing process of healing, growth, and love.

It’s important to understand what forgiveness is and what it is not. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened or pretending it didn’t matter. It doesn’t excuse the behavior or remove all consequences. Rather, forgiveness is a decision to release resentment and the desire for retribution. It’s about freeing yourself from the burden of anger and allowing God’s healing grace to work in your heart and in your relationship.

In this situation, forgiveness might look like:

1. Acknowledging the hurt: Recognize that your boyfriend’s past actions have caused you pain. It’s okay to admit this to yourself and to him.
2. Choosing to let go: Make a conscious decision not to hold his past against him. This doesn’t mean you won’t ever feel hurt or insecure, but that you won’t use his past as a weapon or constantly bring it up to shame him.
3. Seeing him as God sees him: Try to view your boyfriend through the lens of God’s mercy. Remember that in Christ, he is a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). His identity is not defined by his past mistakes, but by his current commitment to Christ and to you.
4. Praying for healing: Ask God to heal any wounds in your heart and in your relationship. Pray for the grace to forgive fully and to love unconditionally.
5. Rebuilding trust: Forgiveness opens the door to rebuilding trust. This takes time and effort from both partners. Be patient with this process.
6. Growing together: Use this as an opportunity to deepen your communication, strengthen your faith together, and grow in virtue as a couple.
7. Extending mercy in daily life: Forgiveness isn’t just about the big issues, but also about the small daily irritations. Practice forgiveness in all aspects of your relationship.

Remember, that forgiveness is not weakness. It requires great strength and courage. As I often remind the faithful, “To forgive is not to forget. Forgiveness changes the way we remember. It converts the curse into a blessing.”

It’s also crucial to forgive yourself for any feelings of jealousy, insecurity, or resentment you might have. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these complex emotions.

If you find forgiveness difficult, don’t be discouraged. Turn to the sacrament of Reconciliation, where you can experience God’s forgiveness and receive the grace to forgive others. Meditate on Christ’s forgiveness on the cross, and ask for the strength to imitate His merciful love.

Forgiveness in your situation also involves trusting in God’s plan for your relationship. It means believing that God can bring good out of this situation, using it to strengthen your love and deepen your faith.

Finally, remember that forgiveness is not a destination, but a journey. There may be times when old hurts resurface or when forgiveness feels challenging. In these moments, renew your commitment to forgiveness, seek God’s grace, and remember the words of Our Lord: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matthew 6:14).

My may God bless you with His peace as you walk this path of forgiveness and love. Trust in His infinite mercy and allow it to flow through you to others. Your capacity to forgive is a beautiful reflection of God’s love in the world.

How can we set healthy physical boundaries in our relationship moving forward?

Establishing healthy physical boundaries in your relationship is a sacred and important task. It requires open communication, mutual respect, and a shared commitment to honoring God and each other. Begin by having an honest conversation with your boyfriend about your values, expectations, and concerns. Remember that “love is born from the pulse of God’s heart” (Young, 2001, pp. 80–96), and it is through this love that we can navigate these delicate matters.

Reflect together on the teachings of our faith regarding the sanctity of the human body and the beauty of intimacy within marriage. Discuss what physical expressions of affection feel appropriate and comfortable for both of you at this stage of your relationship. Perhaps you might agree to limit physical contact to holding hands and brief embraces, reserving more intimate expressions for marriage.

It is crucial to establish clear verbal and non-verbal cues to communicate your boundaries in the moment. For example, you might agree on a specific phrase or gesture that signals when one of you feels uncomfortable or wishes to slow down. Remember, true love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). This includes respecting each other’s boundaries with patience and understanding.

Consider creating accountability structures to support your commitment to these boundaries. This might involve sharing your intentions with trusted friends or family members who can offer encouragement and gentle reminders. You might also find strength in praying together, asking for God’s guidance and grace to honor your commitment to purity.

Be mindful of situations that may challenge your resolve. Plan dates and activities that minimize temptation and focus on building emotional and spiritual intimacy. Engage in service projects together, attend church events, or enjoy nature walks where you can converse and grow closer without physical distractions.

Remember, that setting boundaries is not about restriction, but about creating a safe and nurturing space for your love to flourish in accordance with God’s plan. As you navigate this journey together, be gentle with yourselves and each other. If you stumble, seek forgiveness, learn from the experience, and recommit to your shared values. “By constantly developing the ability to love consciously and unconditionally, it is possible to transcend the problems of a monogamous partnership” (Marrazzo et al., 2010, pp. 335–339).

May the Holy Spirit guide you in this process, strengthening your resolve and deepening your love for one another and for God.

Should I disclose my own sexual history (if any) to my boyfriend?

The question of disclosing one’s sexual history is a deeply personal matter that requires careful discernment and prayer. While honesty and transparency are vital components of a healthy relationship, we must also consider the timing and manner in which such sensitive information is shared.

Reflect on your motivations for wanting to disclose this information. Is it out of a desire for deeper intimacy and trust? Or perhaps from a place of guilt or a need for reassurance? Remember that “love is to be at the center of the exercise of spiritual gifts” (Marrazzo et al., 2010, pp. 335–339), and this includes the gift of your personal history.

If you feel called to share your past experiences, consider the following guidance:

1. Pray for wisdom and discernment. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide your words and to prepare both your heart and your boyfriend’s to receive this information with love and understanding.
2. Choose an appropriate time and place. This conversation should occur in a private, comfortable setting where you both feel safe and unhurried.
3. Be honest, but not overly detailed. Share the essential truths of your experiences without dwelling on specifics that may cause unnecessary pain or jealousy.
4. Frame your disclosure in the context of your faith journey. Explain how these experiences have shaped your current values and commitment to your relationship with God and your boyfriend.
5. Be prepared for your boyfriend’s reaction. He may need time to process this information. Offer him the space to ask questions and express his feelings.
6. Emphasize your commitment to your current relationship and your shared values moving forward.

Remember, that “the Church, Family of God, the community of love, leads to hermeneutics that in Africa it must become Light of God and Light of men in the midst of our world in the making” (Stake et al., 2020). In the same way, your relationship should be a beacon of God’s love and forgiveness.

But if you decide not to disclose your history at this time, that is also a valid choice. You are not obligated to share every detail of your past if you do not feel it is necessary or beneficial to your current relationship. What matters most is your commitment to living in accordance with God’s plan for love and sexuality from this point forward.

If you are struggling with guilt or shame related to your past, I urge you to seek the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Remember that God’s mercy is infinite, and He rejoices in your desire to live a life of virtue and love.

The decision to disclose your sexual history should be made prayerfully and with consideration for the overall health and growth of your relationship. Trust in the Lord’s guidance, and know that His love for you is unconditional and ever-present, regardless of your past or your decision in this matter.

How do we address potential spiritual differences regarding sexuality?

Addressing spiritual differences regarding sexuality requires great patience, understanding, and a commitment to growing together in faith. It is natural for two individuals to have varying perspectives shaped by their unique experiences and spiritual journeys. But as you navigate these differences, remember that “love and emotional acculturation helped them overcome language barriers” (Stake et al., 2020) in intercultural couples, and similarly, love and spiritual growth can help you overcome differences in understanding.

Begin by creating a safe and non-judgmental space for open dialogue about your beliefs and values regarding sexuality. Listen to each other with an open heart, seeking to understand rather than to convince. Remember the words of St. James, “be quick to listen, slow to speak” (James 1:19). This approach allows for mutual respect and creates an environment where both of you feel heard and valued.

Next, explore the foundations of your beliefs together. Study Scripture and Church teachings on sexuality and marriage. Reflect on passages such as 1 Corinthians 7, which discusses marital intimacy, or the Song of Songs, which celebrates the beauty of married love. Discuss how these teachings resonate with each of you and how they might guide your relationship.

Consider seeking guidance from trusted spiritual resources. “The Church, Family of God, the community of love, leads to hermeneutics that in Africa it must become Light of God and Light of men in the midst of our world in the making” (Stake et al., 2020). In this spirit, explore books, articles, or podcasts from reputable Catholic sources that address sexuality from a faith perspective. This shared learning experience can help you develop a common language and understanding.

If you find that your differences are major, it may be beneficial to seek counsel from a priest or a qualified Catholic therapist who can help you navigate these issues. They can provide valuable insights and tools for reconciling your perspectives within the framework of our faith.

Remember that spiritual growth is a lifelong journey. Be patient with each other and with yourselves as you work through these differences. Pray together, asking the Holy Spirit for guidance, wisdom, and unity in your understanding of God’s plan for sexuality.

It’s also important to focus on the areas where you do agree. Perhaps you both value the sanctity of marriage, the importance of mutual respect, or the desire to honor God in your relationship. Build on these shared values as you work through your differences.

If one of you has a stronger faith foundation regarding sexuality, consider how you can lovingly support and encourage the other’s growth without being judgmental or pushy. As St. Paul reminds us, “Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up” (1 Corinthians 8:1).

Lastly, remember that your relationship is not solely defined by your views on sexuality. Nurture other aspects of your spiritual connection – pray together, attend Mass together, engage in acts of service, and share in the joys of your faith. These shared experiences can strengthen your bond and provide a broader context for addressing your differences.

Addressing spiritual differences regarding sexuality is an opportunity for growth, both individually and as a couple. Approach this journey with humility, love, and a sincere desire to understand God’s will for your lives. Trust that as you seek Him together, He will guide you towards a deeper, more unified understanding of His beautiful plan for love and sexuality.

What role should church leaders or mentors play in guiding us through this issue?

The guidance of church leaders and mentors can be an invaluable resource as you navigate the complexities of your relationship and the issues surrounding sexuality. These wise individuals, rooted in faith and experience, can offer spiritual direction, practical advice, and a perspective that aligns with the teachings of our Church.

Remember that seeking guidance is a sign of strength and wisdom, not weakness. As the Scriptures tell us, “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14). By involving church leaders or mentors, you are inviting the wisdom of the Church and the experience of those who have walked this path before you.

Church leaders, such as your parish priest or a trusted deacon, can provide spiritual guidance grounded in Catholic teaching. They can help you understand the Church’s perspective on sexuality, chastity, and the sanctity of marriage. These leaders can also offer the Sacrament of Reconciliation, providing a path to healing and renewal if needed. Remember, “The Church, Family of God, the community of love, leads to hermeneutics that in Africa it must become Light of God and Light of men in the midst of our world in the making” (Stake et al., 2020). In this spirit, church leaders can help illuminate God’s love and plan for your relationship.

Mentors, particularly married couples who exemplify a strong, faith-filled relationship, can offer practical advice and share their own experiences. They can provide insights into how they navigated similar challenges and maintained their commitment to each other and to God. As we read, “Couples who possess a certain level of self-awareness can maintain their individuality and independence while also having strong, genuine, and non-threatening emotional intimacy” (Stake et al., 2020). Mentors can help you develop this self-awareness and guide you in building a strong foundation for your relationship.

When seeking guidance, consider the following approach:

1. Pray together for discernment in choosing the right mentors or leaders to approach.
2. Be open and honest about your situation, concerns, and questions. Remember that these individuals are there to help, not to judge.
3. Listen actively to their advice, but also feel free to ask questions and seek clarification.
4. Reflect together on the guidance you receive, discussing how it resonates with your own understanding and feelings.
5. Consider participating in church-sponsored programs for couples, such as pre-marital counseling or relationship workshops, even if marriage is not yet on the horizon.

But it’s important to maintain appropriate boundaries. While church leaders and mentors can provide valuable guidance, the ultimate decisions about your relationship should be made by you and your partner, guided by prayer and discernment.

Remember also that these leaders and mentors are human and may have their own biases or limitations. Always measure their advice against the teachings of the Church and your own prayerful discernment.

Lastly, consider how you can use this experience to grow not only as a couple but also as active members of your faith community. Perhaps in the future, you too can serve as mentors to other couples facing similar challenges.

By involving church leaders and mentors in your journey, you are embracing the communal aspect of our faith. You are allowing the Body of Christ to support and guide you. Trust in this process, remain open to the wisdom shared, and always keep your hearts attuned to the gentle guidance of the Holy Spirit. May your relationship be a testament to God’s love and a beacon of hope to others in your community.

How can we build trust and intimacy in our relationship despite past sexual experiences?

Building trust and intimacy in your relationship, especially in light of past sexual experiences, is a journey that requires patience, understanding, and a deep commitment to God’s love. Remember that “love is born from the pulse of God’s heart” (Young, 2001, pp. 80–96), and it is through this divine love that we can overcome our human frailties and build relationships that reflect His glory.

It’s crucial to recognize that past experiences do not define a person’s worth or their capacity for love. Our God is a God of second chances, of renewal, and of transformation. As St. Paul reminds us, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17). Embrace this truth for yourself and for your partner.

To build trust, open and honest communication is paramount. Create a safe space where both of you can share your feelings, fears, and hopes without judgment. This might include discussing any insecurities or concerns that arise due to past experiences. Remember, “Couples who possess a certain level of self-awareness can maintain their individuality and independence while also having strong, genuine, and non-threatening emotional intimacy” (Stake et al., 2020). Cultivate this self-awareness through reflection and sharing.

Forgiveness plays a crucial role in building trust. If there are feelings of hurt or betrayal related to past experiences, work through these emotions together. Seek the grace of God to forgive and to receive forgiveness. This process can be deeply healing and can strengthen your bond.

Intimacy is not solely physical; it encompasses emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connections as well. Focus on developing these aspects of your relationship:

1. Emotional intimacy: Share your dreams, fears, and vulnerabilities. Practice active listening and empathy.
2. Intellectual intimacy: Engage in meaningful conversations about your faith, values, and goals. Study Scripture together and discuss its application in your lives.
3. Spiritual intimacy: Pray together regularly. Attend Mass and participate in church activities as a couple. Share your spiritual insights and support each other’s faith journey.

Remember that true intimacy grows over time and is built on a foundation of trust, respect, and shared values. “By constantly developing the ability to love consciously and unconditionally, it is possible to transcend the problems of a monogamous partnership” (Marrazzo et al., 2010, pp. 335–339). This conscious development of love requires effort, commitment, and grace.

It’s also important to establish clear boundaries that honor your commitment to chastity and respect for each other. These boundaries can help create a sense of safety and trust, allowing your relationship to flourish without the pressure of physical intimacy before marriage.

Consider engaging in activities that build trust and intimacy in non-sexual ways. This might include serving together in your community, sharing hobbies, or embarking on spiritual retreats as a couple. These shared experiences can deepen your bond and create lasting memories.

If you find yourselves struggling with trust or intimacy issues related to past experiences, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A Catholic therapist or counselor can provide valuable tools and insights to help you navigate these challenges.

Lastly, anchor your relationship in the love of Christ. Remember that your love for each other is a reflection of God’s love for His Church. As you grow in your relationship with each other, also focus on deepening your individual relationships with God. A strong spiritual foundation will provide the strength and grace needed to overcome any obstacles.

Building trust and intimacy is a lifelong journey. Embrace this process with joy, knowing that each step brings you closer to each other and to God. May your relationship be a testament to the transformative power of God’s love, showing the world that past experiences need not hinder the beautiful future He has planned for you. Trust in His guidance, lean on His strength, and let your love for each other be a shining example of His grace in action.

Bibliography:

Agunbiade, O., & Ayotunde, T. (