What is Purity Culture? A Beginner’s Guide

Understanding Purity Culture: A Christian Guide

Introduction: Navigating the Conversation on Purity Culture with a Heart Full of Hope!

You may have heard people talking about “purity culture,” and maybe it brings up all sorts of feelings and questions for you.¹ For some precious people, it was a good-hearted try to honor God’s Word about how we live and love. For others, it might bring back memories of confusing times, or teachings that made them feel weighed down by shame, or even a little hurt. But God wants you to walk in clarity and freedom! This guide, filled with God’s wisdom, is here to help us understand what purity culture is all about, where it came from, what it taught, and how it lines up with the amazing, never-changing truths of our Christian faith concerning purity and the wonderful way God designed us. Our great God wants you to have a heart full of understanding and His wonderful grace as we look at something that’s touched so many lives.

The very idea that “purity culture” is seen as its own special thing, especially popular in American evangelical circles back in the 1990s, tells us that its way of doing things, or what it focused on, was a bit different from how Christians have generally taught about living right in God’s eyes when it comes to relationships. If it was just “what Christians always taught,” it probably wouldn’t have a special name tied to a specific time. The fact that it popped up as a “reaction” to big changes in the world around us 4 really shows it had its own unique flavor. And why do we need articles like this one? Because there’s a bit of a tug-of-war in the hearts of many believers. So many are trying to figure out how the messages of purity culture fit with their own experiences, with all that the Bible teaches, and with the beautiful, central Christian message of God’s amazing grace. God wants you to find peace and understanding in this!

What Exactly is “Purity Culture” in a Christian Context?

When we talk about “purity culture,” we’re looking at a movement that really came to the forefront in some Christian communities, especially back in the 1990s. Its main, big focus was on staying sexually abstinent—that means not having sexual relations—before marriage.² this central idea often came with a whole set of other teachings and what was expected of people. This included having some pretty strict rules about dating—sometimes even saying it was better not to date at all and to choose “courtship” instead—and a really big emphasis on dressing modestly, especially for young women and girls, so they wouldn’t cause anyone to stumble into sexual temptation.³

This movement had all sorts of practices that were meant to help people stick to these commitments. Young folks were often encouraged to stand up and make public promises that they would wait. There were even special ceremonies, like “purity balls,” where fathers and daughters would come together, and the daughter would commit to staying pure before marriage.³ And many people started wearing “purity rings” as a clear sign to everyone of their promise to be sexually abstinent until they were married.³

When you look closely, you can see that purity culture often zeroed in on ways to prevent things and outward signs of being committed. And while having discipline and clear lines can be a good thing, putting too much stress on outward things like how you dress, rules about dating, or wearing a ring could, without meaning to, take away from how important it is to have the right attitude in your heart or to understand the bigger Bible idea of being holy. That word “culture” is a big one; it means there was a whole system of beliefs, ways of doing things, and what was considered normal that shaped how people in these Christian groups thought about and experienced sexuality. And sometimes, this could create a situation where these particular ways of doing things were just accepted as being straight from the Bible, without really digging deep into everything the Bible or Christian history has to say on the subject.¹ But God wants us to have a full understanding!

Where Did Purity Culture Come From, and Why Did It Start? Discovering the Roots!

Purity culture, dear mostly sprang up in the United States during the 1990s.² People generally see its beginnings as a response from evangelical Christians to some big changes they were seeing in the world around them. There was a feeling that sexual freedom was on the rise, and what many saw as too much casual sex was showing up in popular culture—on TV, in movies, and in music.⁴ Church leaders and parents felt like young people were constantly hearing messages that made casual sex seem normal.

Another huge thing was the AIDS crisis in the 1980s and 1990s. This terrible sickness caused a lot of fear and was often brought up to show how dangerous it could be to have sex before marriage.⁴ Along with these worries, there were more teens getting pregnant and more sexually transmitted diseases. So, in that setting, purity culture came about because people wanted to push back against what they saw as a drop in society’s morals and to strengthen traditional Christian values about sexuality among young folks.⁵ The main people in this movement were Christian leaders, writers, and groups that spread these ideas through books, conferences, and big campaigns like “True Love Waits,” which got young people to sign promises to stay abstinent.³

It’s really important to see that purity culture was largely a reaction. And when movements start because they’re reacting to things they see as threats, sometimes they can focus too much on certain things or use fear to try and get their point across.⁴ By trying to quickly respond to cultural changes, they might have missed some of the finer points of a full, well-thought-out Bible teaching on sexuality. Also, the fact that this happened in the 1990s was a time when evangelicals were getting more involved in politics and culture. This suggests that purity culture might have also been part of a bigger push to stand up for Christian values and to shape how the next generation of Christians thought and acted, as a response to the changing world.⁵ God has a plan in every season!

What Are the Common Teachings and Practices of Purity Culture? Getting a Clear Picture!

The teachings and ways of doing things in purity culture were very specific, and they were all aimed at helping people stay sexually abstinent until they got married. At the very heart of it was the absolute rule: no sexual intercourse before marriage.² But beyond that main point, there were several other common things that really defined the movement:

Dressing Modestly: There was a huge emphasis on wearing modest clothes, especially for girls and women. The reason often given was that modest clothes would help keep “boys or men from stumbling” into lustful thoughts or actions.¹ Little sayings like “modest is hottest” even became popular.¹

Dating and Relationships:

Strict Rules: Often, dating was completely discouraged. Instead, “courtship” (which was a more formal, parent-involved way of getting to know someone with the clear goal of marriage) was pushed as the better option.³
Always Watched: If dating was allowed, it usually came with very strict rules, like always being in groups, having parents as chaperones, couples not being allowed to be alone, and sometimes even having time limits on how long they could be together.¹
Why Date? The idea of “dating to marry” was key; just dating for fun was often seen as a bad thing.¹
Physical Lines: Some teachings even said you should save your first kiss for your wedding day.¹
Promises and Commitments: Making public statements about wanting to stay sexually abstinent was very common. The “True Love Waits” campaign, for instance, had people signing pledge cards.⁵

Signs of Commitment:

Purity Rings: People wore these, often on the ring finger of their left hand, as a clear sign of their promise to stay abstinent until marriage. Sometimes parents gave these to their children.¹
Purity Balls: These were fancy dances, mostly for fathers and their teenage daughters. At these events, daughters would often promise to stay virgins until marriage, and fathers would promise to protect their daughters’ purity.³
Roles for Men and Women: Purity culture often strengthened traditional roles for men and women, with women frequently seen as the “gatekeepers” of sexual purity.³
Strong (and Sometimes Shaming) Words: To really drive home the idea of bad things happening if you had premarital sex, people used vivid and sometimes shaming comparisons. For example, comparing someone who had premarital sex to gum that’s already been chewed, a rose with its petals pulled off, or a piece of sticky tape that doesn’t stick well anymore after being used a few times.¹

One thing you might notice, is that a lot of the responsibility and close watching was put on girls and women. Purity balls, for example, were specifically for fathers and daughters, and the rules about modesty were mostly aimed at girls, with the idea of keeping men from “stumbling.”1 This often made it seem like men’s sexuality was just naturally hard to control, so it was up to women to keep things in check.

Also, these common practices often involved a lot of public showing of commitment through things like rings, public promises, and fancy events. Although the idea was to make people stronger in their decision, this public side could also create a lot of pressure from others and make feelings of shame and failure even bigger for those who didn’t follow these rules or made different choices.¹ The super strict rules about dating and physical touch, like not kissing before marriage or needing chaperones, were meant to stop premarital sex. But they might have also, without meaning to, made it harder for people to learn how to have healthy relationships and emotional closeness, which could create problems for them later when they tried to have romantic relationships and get married.¹⁰ God desires us to grow in every area of our lives!

Is “Purity Culture” the Same as Biblical Purity? What Does God’s Word Truly Teach? Uncovering the Truth!

This is such an important question for so many believers: Is this specific movement we call “purity culture” the very same thing as what the Bible teaches about purity? Purity culture was trying to promote what the Bible values sometimes the things it focused on and the ways it did things were a bit different from, or even added to, what the Bible teaches overall about purity, holiness, sexuality, and God’s amazing grace.

Purity culture, like we saw it in the 1990s and early 2000s, often put a huge spotlight on physical virginity as the main sign of being pure. It tended to stress outward actions—following rules, making promises, wearing rings—as the way to keep this purity.⁷ Often, people were motivated by fear of bad things happening (like STDs, getting pregnant, or emotional scars) or by hoping for good things in the future (like the promise that if you stayed “pure,” God would bless you with a wonderful marriage and a great sex life—some people called this “princess theology”).⁴ And for those who felt they “messed up” and didn’t meet these standards, shame was often a very big result.¹

But biblical purity is so much bigger and wider than that! The Bible talks about:

Purity of the Heart: Jesus Himself said that true purity starts in the heart, not just in what we do on the outside. He warned against lustful thoughts, saying they were like committing adultery in your heart (Matthew 5:8, 5:28).¹⁶ God looks at the heart!
Holiness in Every Part of Life: The call to be pure is part of a bigger call to be holy—to be set apart for God in every single area of your life. The Apostle Paul encourages us to offer our whole bodies as “living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God” (Romans 12:1).⁴ Purity, in this way, is about “being presentable to God.”4 What a high calling!
Where True Purity Comes From: God’s Word teaches that real purity and righteousness don’t mainly come from us trying really hard or keeping a bunch of rules. Instead, they come from what Jesus did for us on the cross and the Holy Spirit working in our lives every day to make us more like Him.⁷ As one person put it, “We are pure because of the blood of Jesus, not because of what we do with our bodies.”7 That’s good news!
Grace and Forgiveness for All: A main message of the Gospel is God’s overflowing grace and forgiveness for everyone who turns back to Him, no matter what they’ve done in the past, including sexual sins. Teachings that make people feel like they’re “damaged goods” that can’t be fixed can really undermine this amazing truth.⁴ God can restore anything!
Sexuality as a Wonderful Gift: The Bible says that sex within marriage is a good gift from God, meant for closeness, pleasure, and having children (Genesis 1-2; Song of Songs). It’s not something that’s naturally dirty or shameful.¹⁶ Although the Bible is honest about the bad things that can happen because of sexual sin, it also talks positively about God’s design for sexuality.¹⁶ The New Testament word for sexual sin, porneia, is a broad term and includes more than just intercourse.¹⁶
Love is the Foundation: Jesus taught that the most important commandments are to love God and love our neighbor (Matthew 22:37-40). How Christians should act in terms of sexuality should flow from these basic principles of love and respect.¹⁷ Love is the key!

A really big difference is that purity culture often brought in rules that weren’t straight from the Bible, like saying you couldn’t date or kiss before marriage. This could lead to a kind of legalism—trying to earn God’s approval by strictly following these rules.⁷ Biblical purity, on the other hand, is all about having a relationship with God, being motivated by love and thankfulness, and being empowered by His Spirit.

To help us see this even clearer, let’s look at a little comparison. God has such a wonderful way, and sometimes our ways can get a little off track. This isn’t to condemn to bring understanding and get us back to God’s best!

Biblical Purity vs. Common Purity Culture Emphases

Characteristic	Biblical Teaching Focus	Common Purity Culture Focus
Source of Purity	Christ’s righteousness, Holy Spirit’s work 7	Human effort, adherence to rules/pledges 7
Definition of Purity	Holistic holiness, heart attitude (Matt 5:8), being set apart for God 4	Primarily premarital sexual abstinence (virginity) 5
View of Sexuality	A good gift from God to be enjoyed within marriage; part of God’s design 16	Often framed negatively, as a source of temptation and danger to be strictly controlled 1
Response to Sin/Failure	Grace, forgiveness, repentance, restoration 4	Shame, guilt, feeling “damaged,” potential ostracization 1
Motivation	Love for God, desire for holiness, glorifying Christ 15	Fear of consequences (STDs, pregnancy, social shame), desire for future marital bliss 4
Primary Emphasis	Internal transformation, relationship with God 4	External behaviors, specific rules, public commitments 5

One of the really big ways biblical purity and purity culture went in different directions is in their main goal, or what they were ultimately aiming for. Biblical purity is all about bringing glory to God and becoming more like Jesus in every part of our lives.¹⁵ Purity culture, even though it often meant well, sometimes seemed to make keeping your virginity for marriage—and the good things people hoped for like a happy marriage and a great sex life—the main practical goal.⁴ This focus could, without meaning to, lead to making virginity or a happy marriage into an idol, instead of Jesus Himself.⁹

What’s more, the strong focus on rules in purity culture, often without a deep understanding of why the Bible gives commands or a full picture of God’s grace, could lead to one of two unhealthy things. For those who felt they did a good job following the rules, it could make them feel self-righteous. For those who felt like they “failed,” it often led to deep sadness, shame, and feeling far away from God.⁷ This is what often happens with systems based on legalism. By defining “purity” almost only in terms of not having sex before marriage, purity culture also risked not putting enough importance on other vital parts of being holy and living right according to the Bible, like justice, mercy, being humble, being honest with money, and loving your enemies. If conversations about following Jesus mostly revolved around sexual purity, as some people have said 19, then the bigger call to be holy as God is holy in every area of life could accidentally be pushed to the side. God wants us to live fully for Him!

What Did the Early Church Fathers Teach About Sexual Purity, Chastity, and Marriage? Insights from History!

The early Church Fathers—these were really influential Christian thinkers and writers from way back, around the 2nd to the 8th centuries—they spent a lot of time thinking and writing about sexual purity, chastity, and marriage. They were living in all sorts of different cultures, often responding to the ideas and ways of life in the Roman Empire or to specific challenges to their faith, like Gnosticism, which often looked down on the physical body.²⁰ It’s good to remember that they didn’t all say the exact same thing they give us some really valuable historical views on how early Christians thought about these topics. Some people have said that what the Church Fathers taught about sexual purity could seem pretty “rough” or strict by today’s standards.⁴

There are several common ideas that come up in their writings:

They all strongly and consistently said that fornication (sex between unmarried people) and adultery were wrong.²¹
Chastity and virginity were seen as very valuable. Virginity, especially, was often praised as a better spiritual way to live, a way to live a more “angelic” life looking forward to God’s kingdom in heaven, or as a sign of being spiritually great.²⁰
Marriage was generally seen as a good thing, created by God. Its main purposes were often thought to be having children (to continue the human race) and as a proper way to express sexual desire, or a “remedy” for it, which helped prevent sin.²¹

To help us understand their views a bit better, here are some simple summaries of what a few key figures taught:

Tertullian (around 155 – 220 AD): Tertullian thought virginity was incredibly important and even had different categories for it.²² He was a big supporter of continence (not having sexual relations) and was known for being critical of getting married a second time after a spouse died. He sometimes saw second marriages as giving in to weakness or even close to being fornication. He believed that God “more wills” people to be continent than to be married, especially married more than once, because being continent helped people focus more on their spiritual life.²²
Augustine of Hippo (354 – 430 AD): Augustine strongly defended the goodness of marriage against groups like the Manichaeans, who thought the physical body and the material world were evil. He taught that marriage was part of God’s original plan, mainly for the purpose of having children.²³ Having sexual intercourse within marriage to have children was, in his view, perfectly fine.²³ But Augustine also wrote a lot about “concupiscence”—which means disordered desire or lust—and he saw this as a result of humanity’s original sin. This led him to a somewhat complex view: while sex itself (which God ordained for having children) wasn’t sinful, the passion and lust that often came with it were signs of this fallen human condition. He even suggested that having sexual relations in marriage just for pleasure, without planning to have children, could be a small sin.²³ He believed marriage was a sacrament but struggled with the passion that is naturally part of sexual expression.²⁶
John Chrysostom (around 347 – 407 AD): Chrysostom really emphasized that a main purpose of marriage was to keep people from fornication and other kinds of wrong sexual activity, which would help believers stay chaste and secure their salvation.²⁴ He thought this purpose was so important that he argued it was even more important than having children, especially in his time when, as he said, “the whole world is filled with our kind.”24 Because of this, he strongly taught that husbands and wives had a duty to meet each other’s sexual needs within marriage and shouldn’t refuse each other without agreeing to it together, because refusing could lead the other partner into temptation and sin.²⁴ For Chrysostom, being sexually obedient within marriage was a duty to God that helped keep families harmonious and the Church community strong.²⁴

The Catholic Church’s understanding of chastity, which has developed over many centuries, lines up with some of these early ideas. It teaches that chastity is a virtue for everyone, no matter if they’re married, single, or celibate. Chastity is defined as “the successful integration of sexuality within the person,” which involves self-mastery, and that’s something you work on your whole life. This self-mastery is ultimately about being able to give of yourself in love and charity.²⁷

When we think about what the Church Fathers taught, it’s so important to look at it with historical and theological understanding. Their strong focus on virginity and continence, for example, came about in specific cultural situations and in response to particular debates about theology.²¹ If we don’t have this background, just picking out their stricter views could be used to support a “sex-negative” attitude similar to some views in purity culture, even if the reasons behind them were different. For instance, the Patristic concern with “concupiscence,” especially in Augustine’s writings, shows a deep theological struggle with the inner reality of disordered human desire because of the fall.²³ This is a much deeper idea than purity culture’s common focus on just following external rules to avoid outward bad results.⁴ But if this Patristic emphasis on the dangers of passion is presented without the balancing truths that sexuality is a good part of God’s creation and the fullness of God’s grace, it too could accidentally make people feel ashamed about natural sexual desires.

Finally, it’s valuable to see that even among the Church Fathers, there were different ways of thinking—like different views in the Eastern and Western parts of the early Church on things like priests being married 20, or Chrysostom focusing mainly on marriage for keeping chastity versus Augustine focusing on having children.²³ This shows that Christian sexual ethics have a rich history of discussion, development, and being applied in different contexts, rather than just being one set of unchanging rules. Knowing this history can empower believers today to engage with tradition thoughtfully and critically as they seek to understand God’s will for their lives. God’s wisdom unfolds through the ages!

Why is Purity Culture Often Controversial? What Are the Main Criticisms? Shining a Light on Concerns.

Purity culture is a topic that often stirs up a lot of strong feelings and debate within Christian communities, mainly because of the major negative experiences many people say they’ve had. While those who support it often point to its good intentions of promoting biblical values and healthy relationships 5, those who critique it point to a number of harmful results and concerns about its theology.

The criticisms you hear most often include:

Shame and Guilt: Maybe the biggest criticism of all is that purity culture often created an atmosphere of intense shame, guilt, and anxiety.¹ This was especially hard for those who felt they didn’t or couldn’t live up to the standards that were set, or who “messed up” by doing things that were forbidden. But God’s heart is for freedom, not shame!
Legalism and Trying to Earn God’s Favor: Many argue that purity culture pushed a kind of works-based righteousness, where a person’s purity and how acceptable they were to God seemed to depend on how well they followed a strict set of rules about sexual behavior.⁴ This often shifted the focus from God’s grace and inner change to just conforming on the outside.⁴
Messages Based on Fear: The movement often used fear as a main way to motivate people. This included making people afraid of sexually transmitted diseases, getting pregnant unexpectedly, emotional damage, or God’s judgment and disapproval if they didn’t meet the purity standards.⁴ God motivates with love!
Making an Idol of Virginity: Critics say that purity culture put way too much emphasis, almost like making an idol, on physical virginity. It was often presented as the ultimate way to measure a person’s worth, spiritual maturity, or how desirable they were as a marriage partner.⁷
Damaging Views of Sex and the Body: Instead of showing sexuality as a good gift from God to be enjoyed within marriage, purity culture sometimes led people to see sex as something inherently dirty, dangerous, or shameful. This could cause problems with experiencing sexual pleasure and closeness even after getting married, and contribute to feeling ashamed of one’s body, especially for women.¹
Harm to Victims of Abuse: The strong emphasis on “losing purity” or virginity being a precious gift that could be “given away” or “stolen” was especially harmful for victims of sexual abuse or assault. Messages like these could make survivors feel like they were permanently damaged, tainted, or even responsible for their abuse.⁷ God’s heart is for healing the brokenhearted.
Rules Not Found in the Bible: Purity culture often set up rules and expectations that aren’t clearly commanded in Scripture, like “no dating” (only courtship), “no kissing before marriage,” or specific modesty rules presented as if they were God’s direct commands.⁷
“Princess Theology” and Promises Like a Business Deal: The idea, sometimes called “princess theology” or “purity bargaining,” suggested that if a person followed all the purity rules, God would guarantee them a perfect, fairytale marriage and an amazing sex life. This isn’t a promise found in the Bible and often set people up to be let down and disappointed.⁴ God’s promises are true they are His promises, not ours.
Unfair Burden on Women: A major criticism is that the responsibility for keeping sexual purity, especially through modest dress and behavior, was unfairly placed on girls and women. They were often taught that it was their job to keep boys and men from lusting.¹

The controversies around purity culture often show a big gap between what it said it wanted to do and the actual effect it had on many people.¹ This gap is a huge source of the tension and criticism. The focus on outward conformity and using fear of bad results (both from God and from society) as the main motivators, instead of a deep love for God or a positive vision of people flourishing, likely led to the common result of shame instead of real, heartfelt holiness.⁴ When the “why” behind the rules is missing or twisted, the “what” (the behavior itself) can become a heavy weight or just something you do for show.

The widespread criticism and the trend of “deconstruction” related to purity culture, especially among those who grew up in it 1, show a big shift in how some Christians are thinking about faith, authority, and the importance of personal experience. It seems like there’s a deep desire for more authenticity, less religion based on shame, and a more grace-centered understanding of Christian living. The fact that there are so many books and resources out there aimed at “recovering from purity culture” shows that for many, the experience wasn’t just about disagreeing with teachings involved real harm that needed healing and new ways of understanding faith and sexuality.²⁸ God is a God of healing and new beginnings!

How Has Purity Culture Specifically Impacted Christian Women and Men? Understanding Different Experiences.

The messages and expectations of purity culture weren’t always applied the same way to both men and women, and this led to different experiences and effects for Christian women and men. God sees and understands every heart.

Impact on Women:

The Heavy Weight of Responsibility: A key way purity culture affected women was the huge burden of responsibility put on them to keep not only their own sexual purity but also that of boys and men.¹ Girls were often taught that what they wore and how they acted could “cause their brothers in Christ to stumble” into lust. A woman’s worth was often, whether said outright or not, tied to her virginity.⁷
Shame and Negative Feelings About Their Bodies: This intense focus on modesty and the idea that their bodies could be a source of temptation led many women to feel ashamed of how they looked, their normal sexual feelings, and even their clothing choices.¹ God made you beautiful, inside and out!
Fear and Problems with Sexuality: Women were often encouraged to push down their sexual feelings and desires, sometimes seeing sex mainly as a duty for having children or to satisfy a husband, rather than something for mutual pleasure and closeness.⁸ This could lead to big problems enjoying sex even in marriage, and in some cases, physical pain during intercourse, like vaginismus.¹
The “Damaged Goods” Feeling: For women who weren’t virgins when they got married, whether because of consensual sex before marriage or, so sadly, because of sexual assault, the messages of purity culture could be crushing. They might start to feel like they were “dirty,” “broken,” “used,” or “not worthy” of love and a healthy marriage.¹ But in God’s eyes, you are priceless!
Pushing Towards Limited Roles: Purity culture often came with teachings that reinforced traditional, submissive roles for women, sometimes discouraging them from aiming for leadership positions or dreams outside the home.⁸ Some teachings directly promoted women being submissive and men being the head as God’s ordained way.⁸

Impact on Men:

Unrealistic Hopes: Men might have developed unrealistic or unfair expectations for their future wives to be perfectly “pure,” innocent, and often, sexually inexperienced, without necessarily holding themselves to the same strict inner standards.
Belief in Uncontrollable Lust: Boys and men were sometimes taught that their sexual urges were just naturally powerful, almost uncontrollable forces.¹ This could, without meaning to, lead to them not taking full personal responsibility for lustful thoughts or actions, with an unspoken understanding that “boys will be boys.”8 The job of managing male desire was often put on women.
Shame for Sexual Struggles: While maybe not facing as much public judgment about modesty, men still felt a lot of shame related to sexual struggles, like using pornography or masturbation, often in a system that focused on condemnation instead of grace and restoration.¹ God’s grace is for everyone.
Problems with Intimacy: If all kinds of physical closeness before marriage were strictly forbidden and sexuality was mostly talked about as dangerous or sinful outside of marriage, men (just like women) could find it hard to develop the healthy emotional and physical intimacy skills needed for mature relationships.
Pressure to Get Married: For single men, there could be pressure from church singles groups to get married quickly so they could legitimately express their sexuality and stay “pure.”9

It’s important to remember, that both men and women could suffer from shared negative effects, like developing twisted beliefs about relationships, marriage, and sex; seeing sexuality in overly simple black-and-white terms; and feeling intense guilt and shame about sexual pleasure or any perceived step away from the set rules.¹

The different impacts on genders often created a harmful situation. By making women mainly responsible for men’s sexual behavior and at the same time teaching men that their own sexuality was a powerful, almost unmanageable force, purity culture could weaken the personal responsibility of both men and women. This way of thinking could accidentally create environments where female sexual agency was played down and male sexual aggression or lack of control was quietly normalized or excused, possibly increasing the risk of coercion or abuse.⁸ For men, the constant messages about the power of what they see and the “danger” posed by female bodies could lead to objectifying women, even if they didn’t mean to. Women might be seen mainly as sources of temptation to be managed or avoided, rather than as whole people, sisters in Christ, and equals in faith.¹ God sees each person as precious and whole.

What Are Some Potential Harms of Purity Culture, and How Can Individuals Find God’s Healing? Discovering Restoration!

The teachings and atmosphere of purity culture, even though they often came from good intentions, have been connected to a number of potential harms for people. Recognizing these is the very first step toward understanding the need for healing and for different, healthier ways of approaching things. God is a God of healing and restoration!

Summary of Potential Harms:

Emotional and Mental Distress: Many people report going through religious trauma, anxiety, depression, and obsessive-compulsive tendencies because of purity teachings.¹
Problems with Sexuality: Issues like vaginismus (where muscles involuntarily spasm, making intercourse painful or impossible), general pain during sex, low sex drive, and difficulty experiencing sexual pleasure or orgasm, even in marriage, have been linked to purity culture’s messages.¹
Negative Body Image and Shame: Ongoing feelings of shame about one’s body, natural sexual desires, and physical appearance are common.¹
Difficulties in Relationships: Challenges in forming healthy, trusting, and close relationships, often stemming from fear, unrealistic expectations, or not having developed relational skills.¹
Twisted Views of God: Purity culture could lead to seeing God as mainly legalistic, harsh, judgmental, and quick to condemn, rather than loving, gracious, and redemptive.¹⁷ But God is love!
Questioning or Losing Faith: For some, the negative experiences, the confusion, and the hypocrisy they saw in purity culture have led them to question or even walk away from their Christian faith.¹⁷
Impact on LGBTQ+ Individuals: For LGBTQ+ individuals who grew up in these environments, the condemnation of same-sex attraction and relationships often led to deep shame, stigma, internalized homophobia, rejection by their faith communities, and a painful loss of who they are.²⁹ God loves every single person He created.

Paths to Healing – God Wants You Whole!

For those precious souls who have been negatively impacted, healing is absolutely possible! The journey often involves several key things:

Acknowledge and Validate the Hurt: The first step is often realizing that specific teachings or the cultural environment, rather than God’s truth itself, may have been what caused the harm.¹ It’s so important to validate your own experiences.

Re-examine Beliefs with Fresh Eyes:

Separate Tradition from Truth: Actively work to tell the difference between the specific traditions and rules of purity culture and what the Bible actually teaches.¹⁷ This might mean studying the Bible with a new perspective, perhaps focusing on the whole message of God rather than just bits and pieces.¹⁷
Develop Your Own Ethic: Move towards developing what some therapists call a “values-congruent sexual ethic”—one that is based on your own deeply held beliefs, informed by a mature understanding of God’s Word, rather than just following rules someone else gave you.²⁸

Wash Away Shame with God’s Grace:

Embrace True Purity: Understand that true purity and righteousness come from what Jesus did and God’s grace, not from how well you perform or if you have a perfect record of sexual behavior.⁷ You are made pure by His love!
Receive His Forgiveness: Actively embrace the Bible’s promise of God’s grace, forgiveness, and redemption for everyone who turns back to Him, knowing that no past sin or mistake can put you beyond His power to restore.⁴

Reconnect with and Reclaim Your Body as God’s Temple:

Embodiment Practices: For many, healing means reconnecting with their physical bodies in a positive way. Things like mindfulness meditation, yoga, or other practices that help you connect with your body can help process trauma stored in the body, reduce anxiety, and develop a healthier, more whole relationship with your physical self and sexuality.¹³ The goal is to move from pushing things down and avoiding them to connecting and becoming whole.²⁸

Seek Support and Loving Community:

Therapy: Getting help from a therapist, especially one who knows about religious trauma and the effects of purity culture, can be incredibly helpful.¹
Supportive Communities: Finding or creating supportive, grace-filled communities where people can share their experiences honestly and find understanding without being judged is vital for healing.²⁸ God designed us for fellowship!
Use Helpful Resources: There are a growing number of books, podcasts, and online resources available, written by theologians, psychologists, and people who have walked this journey. These can offer insights, practical tools, and a feeling of not being alone.³⁰ Examples include works by authors like Dr. Camden Morgante, Sheila Wray Gregoire, and Nadia Bolz-Weber.

The process of healing from the negative impacts of purity culture often needs more than just changing your mind about beliefs; it frequently involves deep emotional and even physical recovery. This is because the teachings often targeted bodily experiences and emotions with messages of shame.¹ For some, the mental conflict and emotional pain from purity culture have been so deep that it has led to a “deconstruction” of their faith.¹⁷ When teachings that were presented as central to Christianity are later seen as harmful or not from the Bible, it can understandably shake a person’s entire faith foundation, especially if that foundation was deeply tied to those specific purity culture ideas. The fact that there are so many “healing” resources available shows that purity culture, despite any good intentions, created widespread challenges for a lot of people in Christian communities. This suggests a need for churches and Christian communities to think more broadly and make changes in how they teach about sexuality. God is always leading us to better, healthier ways!

How Can Christian Parents Navigate Conversations About Purity and Sexuality with Their Children in a Healthy, God-Honoring Way? Wisdom for Today’s Families!

Christian parents today, you have such an important role! You’re guiding your precious children towards a biblical understanding of purity and sexuality in a world filled with all sorts of messages. And you want to do this while avoiding the potential problems that came with some of the old purity culture ways. A healthy way forward, involves moving away from fear-based tactics and towards open, grace-filled talks and teaching them about Jesus in a way that touches their hearts.

Here are some practical things to think about, filled with God’s wisdom:

Move Beyond Old Tactics: Make a conscious choice to avoid using messages based on fear, shaming, an overwhelming number of rules that aren’t in the Bible, or putting too much stress on physical virginity as the only thing that determines your child’s worth or spiritual standing.⁷

Keep the Conversation Going:

Start Early and Keep Talking: Begin talking about bodies, relationships, and sexuality in ways they can understand when they’re young, and keep these conversations going as they grow. This is so much better than just one awkward “the talk.”5
Create a Safe Place: Make your home a place where your children feel safe to ask honest questions, share their thoughts and doubts, and talk about what they’re going through without being afraid of being judged right away. Ask them open-ended questions to understand what they’re thinking.⁵

Talk About Sexuality Positively and Biblically:

God’s Good Gift: Teach them that sexuality is a good gift from God, designed for closeness, pleasure, and having children within the wonderful covenant of marriage.¹⁶
God’s Beautiful Design: Explain God’s beautiful and purposeful design for human sexuality as He shows us in His Word.³⁴

Focus on Purity and Holiness in Everything:

Beyond Just Physical Acts: Make the conversation bigger than just sexual acts. Talk about purity of heart, how important respect, love, kindness, and honesty are in all relationships.⁴
Connect it to Values: Weave conversations about sexuality into bigger talks about Christian values, like respecting yourself and others, honoring God with your body, and making wise choices.²⁸

Lead with Grace:

Grace and Forgiveness are Key: Always, always emphasize God’s limitless grace and forgiveness. Prepare your children for the fact that they (and others) will make mistakes, and assure them of God’s never-ending love and His readiness to forgive and restore when they turn back to Him.¹⁶ God’s grace is bigger than any mistake!
Share Your Story (Wisely): Parents, when it’s appropriate, you can share your own past mistakes and how you’ve experienced God’s grace. This can help your children see that struggles are normal and that God’s redemption is real.³⁵

Teach God’s Morality Strongly but with Redemption:

Don’t be afraid to teach what the Bible says about sexual sin and God’s standards for sexual behavior. But always present these teachings in the bigger picture of God’s love, His good plan for their lives, and His amazing redemptive story.¹⁶

Empower Them with Self-Control and Dependence on God:

Teach your children the biblical idea of self-control as a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). Encourage them to learn how to manage their own bodies and desires in a way that is holy and honorable, relying on the Holy Spirit’s help rather than just their own willpower.¹⁶

Be a Living Example of Healthy Attitudes and Relationships:

Your own relationship with God, your spouse (if you’re married), and how you generally approach these sensitive topics will speak louder than words. Being real and consistent is so important.⁷

Navigate Media and Cultural Influences with Wisdom:

Media Smarts: Keep an eye on your children’s use of devices and social media. Have open talks about the messages about sexuality they see in media and culture, helping them to think critically from a Christian viewpoint.³⁴
Moral Thinking: Help your children develop their own skills for thinking about what’s right and wrong by talking about different situations and ethical questions they might face.²⁸
Respect Their Growing Independence: As your children grow into teenagers and young adults, it’s important to balance sharing your beliefs and values with respecting their growing independence and who they are as individuals. The goal is to equip them to make wise, faith-informed decisions for themselves.⁵

Effective Christian parenting about sexuality today often means a big shift from the control-based ways common in purity culture (which focused on strict rules and fear of what might happen) towards connection-based and wisdom-building ways (which prioritize open talks, teaching critical thinking, showing grace, and encouraging a personal relationship with God).²⁸ Parents who themselves were affected by the negative sides of purity culture might find it helpful to go through their own healing and re-education process so they can parent differently and more effectively.²⁸ The ongoing desire of parents to “control the narrative” 34 and guide their children in biblical truth before the world shapes their views is still a valid concern—it’s one that also fueled the original purity culture movement. But the methods being encouraged now are less about sheltering and strict forbidding, and more about proactive, positive education, thinking critically about culture, and building inner strength based on faith and understanding. This is a more thoughtful and long-term way to disciple our precious children. God will give you the wisdom you need!

Conclusion: Towards a More Whole and Holy Understanding – Walking in God’s Best!

This conversation about purity culture is a deep one, touching on very personal experiences, what we believe based on God’s Word, and our cultural history. It came about as a specific movement at a particular time, started by people with sincere, though sometimes not perfectly guided, intentions to help young Christians navigate sexuality.⁴ For some, it gave helpful guidelines; for many others, its methods and messages led to feelings of shame, fear, and a twisted understanding of God, His grace, and sexuality.¹

It is so vital for us as Christians today to thoughtfully tell the difference between the particular teachings and practices of purity culture and the timeless, complete wisdom of Scripture about sexuality, purity, and holiness. The biblical call to purity isn’t mainly about following a list of outward rules or achieving a state of perfect sexual behavior. No, it’s a call to dedicate our whole lives to God, rooted in His amazing love, empowered by His Spirit, and made possible only through the redeeming work of Jesus Christ!4

The journey towards a healthier Christian understanding of sexuality means moving away from shame and legalism, and towards embracing God’s wonderful grace, having a positive appreciation for His good design, and committing to loving God and others in every part of our lives. It means understanding sexuality not as some separate part of life that needs to be policed by fear as a vital part of our created humanity, to be lived out in holiness, wisdom, and joyful dependence on Christ.

For those precious ones who have been hurt or confused by past teachings, there is so much hope in the good news of the Gospel! God’s grace is more than enough for every struggle and every mistake.¹⁶ His desire is not to condemn us for our healing, our restoration, and our growth into the fullness of life He has planned for us. As individuals and as the this ongoing conversation about purity and sexuality is a wonderful opportunity to grow in compassion, deepen our understanding of the Bible, and continually point each other towards Jesus Christ, the true source of all purity, healing, and wisdom. Expect God’s goodness to overflow in your life!