Dreaming About a Deceased Mother: What Scripture Offers Instead of a Message

Dreaming about a mother who has died is one of the most common experiences in bereavement, and it is not a message from her. It is grief, doing what grief does at night.

That is not a cold answer. It is the one that leaves room for what Scripture actually offers, which is better than a message.

What the Bible says about the dead

It is consistent and it is not what popular spirituality suggests.

Consulting the dead is forbidden (Deuteronomy 18:11), and the one long account of someone doing it — Saul and the medium at Endor, in 1 Samuel 28 — is written as a tragedy about a desperate man.

And in the parable of the rich man and Lazarus, the request to send someone back is refused: If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead. (Luke 16:31)

The traffic does not run that way. Whatever the dream was, it was not her.

What Scripture does with grief

It takes it entirely seriously, which is rarer than it sounds.

David, after the death of his child: I will go to him, but he will not return to me. (2 Samuel 12:23) Two clauses, and the second one is honest about the direction of travel while the first is the whole of Christian hope.

Jesus at Lazarus’s tomb, knowing what he is about to do, and still: Jesus wept. (John 11:35) The shortest verse in the Bible, and it exists so that nobody can argue that faith should have made the weeping unnecessary.

And Paul, writing to people worried about those who had died: Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. (1 Thessalonians 4:13)

Read that clause carefully, because it is usually read wrongly. He does not say do not grieve. He says do not grieve like people with no hope. The grief stays. What changes is what it is grieving towards.

Why the dreams happen

The bereaved dream of the dead. It is one of the most consistently reported experiences in grief research, it is most frequent in the first year, and it tends to become less frequent and less distressing over time.

Often the dream is ordinary — she is in the kitchen, or on the phone, or simply present, and nothing is explained. Sometimes she is well again. Sometimes the dream includes the knowledge that she has died, which is its own particular kind of sadness.

Many people describe these dreams as comforting. Others find them cruel, because waking repeats the loss. Both responses are common and neither is a spiritual verdict on the dreamer.

What the dreams are, as far as anyone can say, is a mind continuing to process someone who occupied an enormous amount of it. That is not nothing. It is an indication of how much of us a mother takes up.

What can be said about her

Not everything. Scripture is more reticent about the state of the dead than most preaching is, and honesty requires admitting that.

What it does say: to be away from the body and at home with the Lord (2 Corinthians 5:8). That those who have died in Christ will be raised, bodily, and that this is the hope rather than a disembodied afterlife (1 Corinthians 15). That there will be a moment when he will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain (Revelation 21:4).

Note the tense. The tears are still there to be wiped. Scripture does not pretend they were never shed.

What to do with the dream

Nothing is required of us. There is no message to decode and no response owed.

If it was comforting, take the comfort. If it hurt, that is what a fresh grief does, and the recurrence is not a sign that we are handling it badly.

We can pray about her rather than to her, and talk about her to someone who knew her. And if grief has become something that is not moving at all — months of it, with sleep gone and daily life stopped — that is worth telling a doctor or a counsellor, which is not a failure of faith.

A prayer after a dream like this

Lord, you gave her to us and we have not stopped noticing that she is gone.

Thank you for the years there were.

Where the dream comforted us, let the comfort stay past waking.

Where it hurt, be near, as you were near at a tomb you were about to open.

And keep us until the morning when the tears are wiped away.

Frequently asked

Is a dream about a deceased mother a message from her?

No. Scripture forbids consulting the dead (Deuteronomy 18:11) and, in Luke 16:31, refuses the request to send someone back.

Is it wrong to dream about someone who has died?

Not at all. It is one of the most commonly reported experiences in bereavement, most frequent in the first year, and it carries no spiritual verdict.

Does the Bible say not to grieve?

No. 1 Thessalonians 4:13 says not to grieve like those who have no hope. The grief remains; what changes is what it grieves towards.

Can I pray for my mother who has died?

Christians differ on prayer for the dead, and it is an old disagreement. What all traditions agree on is that you can pray about her — thanking God for her, and asking for comfort.

When should I get help?

If grief is not moving at all after many months, if sleep has gone, or if daily life has stopped, tell a doctor or a counsellor. Luke was a physician; seeking help is not a failure of faith.