How can I forgive someone who keeps hurting me?

What does the Bible say about forgiveness?

The Scriptures speak to us with great wisdom and compassion about the vital importance of forgiveness in our lives as followers of Christ. At the very heart of our faith is the astounding reality of God’s forgiveness extended to us through Jesus. As St. Paul reminds us, “Having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross” (Colossians 2:14)(McBrien, 1994). What wondrous love is this, that God would cancel our debts and give us a fresh start!

And having received such grace, we are called to extend forgiveness to others. Our Lord Jesus teaches us to pray, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us” (Matthew 6:12)(Burke-Sivers, 2015). There is a powerful connection between God’s forgiveness of us and our forgiveness of others. When we harbor unforgiveness, we close ourselves off from fully receiving God’s mercy. As the Catechism wisely states, “Love, like the Body of Christ, is indivisible; we cannot love the God we cannot see if we do not love the brother or sister we do see” (Burke-Sivers, 2015).

The Scriptures give us beautiful examples of forgiveness – Joseph forgiving his brothers, David sparing Saul’s life, Jesus forgiving those who crucified him. We see that forgiveness is not easy, but it is possible by God’s grace. It requires humility, compassion, and trust in God’s justice. As St. Paul exhorts us, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

Let us remember, that forgiveness does not mean forgetting or excusing wrongdoing. Rather, it means releasing our right to vengeance and trusting God to bring justice and healing in His way and time. It is a process that may take time, especially for deep hurts. But as we forgive, we find freedom from bitterness and reflect the merciful heart of our Heavenly Father.

How did Jesus model forgiveness?

Beloved, in Jesus Christ we see the perfect embodiment of forgiveness – a forgiveness that is both divine and profoundly human. Throughout his earthly ministry, our Lord demonstrated a heart of compassion and mercy, always ready to forgive those who approached him with repentant hearts.

We see Jesus’ forgiveness most powerfully displayed on the cross. Even as he endured unimaginable suffering, Jesus prayed for his persecutors: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34)(Burke-Sivers, 2015). In that moment of supreme agony, our Savior poured himself out in complete and perfect love, showing us the true meaning of forgiveness. He did not wait for his tormentors to apologize or make amends. Rather, he took the initiative to extend mercy, recognizing their spiritual blindness.

Throughout his ministry, Jesus consistently modeled a forgiving spirit. He welcomed tax collectors and sinners, much to the dismay of the religious elite. To the woman caught in adultery, he offered compassion and a fresh start, saying “Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more” (John 8:11). He taught his disciples to forgive “seventy times seven” times, illustrating God’s limitless mercy (Matthew 18:22)(McBrien, 1994).

Importantly, Jesus linked God’s forgiveness of us with our forgiveness of others. In the Lord’s Prayer and in his teachings, he made clear that we cannot expect to receive forgiveness if we are unwilling to extend it to others (Matthew 6:14-15). This challenges us to examine our own hearts and to recognize our deep need for God’s mercy.

At the same time, Jesus’ forgiveness was not a passive overlooking of sin. He called people to repentance and transformation. His forgiveness opened the way for healing and new life. As he said to the paralytic, “Your sins are forgiven…Rise, take up your bed and walk” (Mark 2:5,9).

As we contemplate Jesus’ example, may we be filled with gratitude for his boundless mercy toward us. And may we ask for the grace to forgive as he forgives – freely, fully, and from the heart. For in doing so, we participate in his divine life and become instruments of his healing love in our wounded world.

Is forgiveness a choice or a feeling?

This is a powerful question that touches on the very nature of forgiveness. The truth is, forgiveness involves both our will and our emotions, but it begins fundamentally as a choice – a decision of the will, empowered by God’s grace.

When we have been deeply hurt, our feelings may cry out for justice or even vengeance. The pain, anger, and sense of betrayal can be overwhelming. In such moments, forgiveness may seem impossible. Yet it is precisely then that we are called to make a choice – a choice to follow Christ’s example and command to forgive, even when our emotions resist.

As one wise author puts it, “Forgiveness is a decision, but it is also a process that takes time and effort” (Hoffman, 2018). We do not simply say the words “I forgive you” and expect all our hurt feelings to instantly disappear. Rather, we make a commitment to forgive, and then we cooperate with God’s grace as He works in our hearts over time to bring emotional healing and true freedom.

This understanding can be liberating. We need not wait until we feel like forgiving to begin the process. We can choose to forgive even while acknowledging our pain and anger. As we do so, we open ourselves to God’s transforming work in our hearts.

The Catechism wisely notes: “It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory in transforming the hurt into intercession” (Burke-Sivers, 2015). This beautiful insight shows how our choice to forgive, when united to the Holy Spirit’s action, can gradually change our feelings and even our memories of the hurt.

Let us remember too, that forgiveness is not a one-time event but an ongoing process. We may need to reaffirm our choice to forgive many times, especially when memories of the hurt resurface. This is normal and does not mean we have failed to forgive. Rather, it is an opportunity to renew our commitment and ask for God’s continued healing.

In all of this, we look to Christ as our model and source of strength. He chose to forgive us while we were still sinners, not waiting for us to deserve it. And he gives us the grace to make that same choice, trusting that as we do, our feelings will gradually align with our decision.

Do I have to forgive if the person doesn’t repent?

This question touches on one of the most challenging aspects of forgiveness. It is natural to feel that forgiveness should be contingent on the offender’s repentance. After all, we long for justice and for acknowledgment of the wrong done to us. Yet Christ calls us to a higher standard – one that reflects God’s own merciful heart.

Remember how our Lord Jesus, even as he hung on the cross, prayed for those who were crucifying him: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34)(Burke-Sivers, 2015). At that moment, his persecutors had shown no remorse, yet Jesus extended forgiveness. This radical example challenges us to consider: can we forgive even when the other person does not repent?

The answer, difficult as it may be, is yes. We are called to forgive regardless of the other person’s attitude or actions. This does not mean we excuse the wrong done or pretend it didn’t happen. Rather, it means we choose to release our right to vengeance and entrust justice to God. As St. Paul writes, “Do not take revenge, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19)(Hoffman, 2018).

Forgiving an unrepentant person does not necessarily mean restoring the relationship to its former state. Forgiveness and reconciliation are related but distinct. Forgiveness is something we can do unilaterally, by God’s grace. Reconciliation, on the other hand, requires repentance and changed behavior from the offender. We can forgive someone while still maintaining healthy boundaries to protect ourselves from further harm.

It’s important to understand that forgiving an unrepentant person is primarily for our own spiritual and emotional well-being. Holding onto unforgiveness can lead to bitterness that corrodes our soul and hinders our relationship with God and others. By choosing to forgive, we free ourselves from the burden of resentment and open our hearts to God’s healing grace.

This kind of forgiveness is not easy. It requires great humility and a deep reliance on God’s strength. We may need to repeatedly reaffirm our decision to forgive, especially when memories of the hurt resurface. But as we persist in this path of mercy, we grow in Christ-likeness and experience the freedom that comes from letting go.

Let us remember, that we too have been forgiven much by God, often before we fully realized our need for forgiveness. As we struggle to forgive those who don’t repent, may we draw strength from God’s unconditional love for us and ask for the grace to extend that same love to others.

How can I forgive someone who keeps hurting me?

This question touches on a deeply painful situation that many face. When someone repeatedly hurts us, the call to forgive can seem not only difficult, but even unjust or dangerous. Yet, with God’s grace, it is possible to cultivate a forgiving heart even in these challenging circumstances.

First, let us be clear: forgiveness does not mean allowing abuse to continue. As one wise author states, “Forgiveness and opening up to more abuse are not the same thing” (Burke-Sivers, 2015). We have a responsibility to set healthy boundaries and protect ourselves from harm. Forgiveness is about our internal attitude; it does not require us to remain in harmful situations.

That said, how can we forgive in the face of ongoing hurt? It begins with recognizing that forgiveness is a process, not a one-time event. As one counselor advises, it may be more helpful to say, “I am working toward forgiving you” rather than immediately declaring “I forgive you” (Hoffman, 2018). This acknowledges the reality that healing takes time, especially when the wounds are deep or recurring.

We must also understand that forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It is right and necessary to remember past hurts in order to set appropriate boundaries. Forgiveness means letting go of our desire for revenge and our right to punish the offender, but it does not require us to pretend the offense never happened.

In situations of repeated hurt, it can be helpful to separate individual incidents in our minds. We can work on forgiving specific actions as they occur, rather than feeling overwhelmed by the entire history of hurt. This approach allows us to make progress in forgiveness even if the overall relationship remains difficult.

Prayer is essential in this process. We can ask God for the grace to forgive, acknowledging our own weakness and need for divine help. We can also pray for the person who is hurting us, asking God to work in their life and bring about positive change. This does not excuse their behavior, but it helps us maintain a compassionate perspective.

It’s also important to seek support from others – trusted friends, family members, or professional counselors. Trying to forgive in isolation can be overwhelming. Sometimes we need others to remind us of God’s love and to encourage us in our journey toward forgiveness.

Finally, let us remember that forgiveness is ultimately about our own spiritual freedom. By choosing to forgive, even when the other person continues to hurt us, we prevent bitterness from taking root in our hearts. We open ourselves to God’s healing and peace, regardless of the other person’s actions.

This is not easy. It requires great courage and perseverance. But as we walk this path, relying on God’s strength, we grow in Christ-likeness and experience the truth of His words: “If the Son sets you free, you will be free ” (John 8:36).

What’s the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation?

Forgiveness and reconciliation are closely related but distinct concepts in our journey of faith and relationships. Forgiveness is an internal process – a decision we make in our hearts to release someone from the debt they owe us due to their wrongdoing. It is a unilateral act that does not depend on the other person’s response. As Jesus taught us to pray, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us” (Matthew 6:12).(Cloud & Townsend, 2017)

Reconciliation, on the other hand, involves the restoration of a broken relationship and requires the participation of both parties. It is a mutual process of coming back together in harmony.(Cloud & Townsend, 2017)While forgiveness is always possible and commanded by our Lord, reconciliation may not always be achievable or wise, especially in cases of ongoing abuse or unrepentant behavior.

We must remember that forgiveness does not necessarily mean we must reconcile or continue in a harmful relationship. As St. Paul reminds us, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).(Stanley et al., 2013)Sometimes, for our own wellbeing and safety, we may need to forgive someone while maintaining healthy boundaries and distance.

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves and others, releasing us from the burden of resentment and opening our hearts to God’s healing grace. Reconciliation is the hoped-for fruit of that forgiveness, but it requires genuine repentance, changed behavior, and rebuilt trust over time.(Cloud & Townsend, 2017)

Let us strive to forgive as we have been forgiven by God, trusting in His mercy and justice. And where possible, may we work towards reconciliation with wisdom, patience, and love, always guided by the Holy Spirit.

Does forgiving mean forgetting or excusing the offense?

It is a common misconception that forgiving means forgetting or excusing the offense. This is not the case. Forgiveness is not about erasing our memories or pretending that the hurt never happened. Rather, it is about choosing to release the offender from the debt they owe us and letting go of our desire for vengeance.(Forward, 2002)

When we forgive, we acknowledge the reality of the offense and the pain it caused. We do not minimize or justify the wrongdoing. Instead, we make a conscious decision to no longer hold it against the person who hurt us. As the Psalmist says, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:12).(Cloud & Townsend, 2009)

Forgiveness does not mean we forget what happened. In fact, remembering can be important for our own protection and growth. Our Lord Jesus Christ, in His infinite mercy, forgave those who crucified Him, yet the wounds remained on His glorified body as a testament to His sacrifice. Similarly, we may carry the scars of past hurts, but through forgiveness, we prevent those wounds from defining us or controlling our future.(Stanley et al., 2013)

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation or the restoration of trust. These may follow forgiveness, but they are separate processes that often require time, changed behavior, and rebuilt relationships. Forgiveness is something we can do unilaterally, while reconciliation requires the participation of both parties.(Stanley et al., 2013)

Let us remember that forgiveness is a process, not a one-time event. It may take time for our emotions to align with our decision to forgive. We may need to forgive repeatedly as memories resurface or new hurts occur. This is normal and part of our human journey towards healing and growth in Christ’s love.(Stanley et al., 2013)

In forgiving, we imitate Christ who forgave us while we were still sinners. We do not excuse the sin, but we extend mercy, just as we have received mercy. This act of forgiveness frees us from the burden of resentment and opens our hearts to God’s healing grace, allowing us to move forward in peace and love.

How do I overcome feelings of bitterness and resentment?

Overcoming bitterness and resentment is a journey that requires patience, prayer, and the grace of God. These negative emotions can be like poison in our souls, hindering our spiritual growth and our ability to love as Christ loves us. But take heart, for with God’s help, we can find healing and freedom.

First, we must acknowledge our feelings without judgment. It is normal to feel hurt and angry when we have been wronged. Our Lord Jesus himself experienced the full range of human emotions, including anger at injustice. What matters is how we respond to these feelings.(Hoffman, 2018)

Prayer is essential in this process. Bring your hurt and anger to God in honest, heartfelt prayer. Pour out your feelings to Him, knowing that He understands and cares deeply for you. As the Psalmist says, “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you” (Psalm 55:22).

Seek to understand the root of your bitterness. Often, resentment grows from unmet expectations, unforgiveness, or a sense of powerlessness. By identifying these underlying issues, we can begin to address them with God’s help.(Hoffman, 2018)

Practice forgiveness, not as a one-time act, but as an ongoing process. Remember, forgiveness is a decision we make, often before our emotions catch up. It may take time for our feelings to align with our choice to forgive. Be patient with yourself in this process.(Hoffman, 2018)

Cultivate gratitude and focus on the blessings in your life. This can help shift your perspective from what has been taken from you to what you have been given. As St. Paul advises, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

Seek support from your faith community. Share your struggles with trusted friends, a spiritual director, or a counselor. Sometimes, simply expressing our feelings in a safe environment can begin the healing process.(Hoffman, 2018)

Finally, remember that overcoming bitterness is not about forgetting the offense or excusing it. It’s about freeing yourself from the emotional bondage that resentment creates. As you release your right to vengeance and entrust justice to God, you open yourself to His healing love.

This journey may not be easy, but it is worth it. For in letting go of bitterness, we make room for joy, peace, and love to flourish in our hearts. Trust in the Lord’s promise: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you” (Ezekiel 36:26). With His help, you can overcome bitterness and experience the freedom and joy that comes from a heart at peace.

How can I forgive myself for past mistakes?

The journey of forgiving ourselves for past mistakes is often one of the most challenging paths we walk in our spiritual lives. Yet, it is a journey that our loving Father calls us to undertake, for He desires our freedom and wholeness.

First, we must recognize that self-forgiveness is not only possible but necessary for our spiritual and emotional well-being. Our Lord Jesus Christ came to offer forgiveness and redemption to all, including ourselves. As St. Paul reminds us, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).(Cloud & Townsend, 2009)

To begin this process, we must acknowledge our mistakes without minimizing or exaggerating them. Bring them to God in honest prayer, confessing our faults and asking for His forgiveness. Remember, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

It’s crucial to understand that God’s forgiveness is not based on our worthiness, but on His infinite mercy and love. When we truly repent and seek His forgiveness, He grants it freely and completely. As the prophet Isaiah declares, “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow” (Isaiah 1:18).(Cloud & Townsend, 2009)

Often, we struggle to forgive ourselves because we hold onto shame or a distorted self-image. We must learn to see ourselves as God sees us – as His beloved children, worthy of love and forgiveness. Meditate on the truths of Scripture that speak of God’s love and acceptance of you.

Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend who has made a mistake. Remember that we are all imperfect beings, capable of both great love and serious errors. Our mistakes do not define us; rather, they are opportunities for growth and deeper reliance on God’s grace.

Take responsibility for your actions and their consequences, but also recognize the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt can motivate us to make amends and change our behavior, while shame tells us we are inherently flawed or unworthy. Reject shame, for it is not from God.(Lasater & Stiles, 2010)

If possible, make amends for your mistakes. This can involve apologizing, making restitution, or changing harmful behaviors. Taking concrete actions can help alleviate guilt and demonstrate your commitment to change.

Finally, be patient with yourself. Self-forgiveness, like all forms of forgiveness, is often a process rather than a one-time event. It may take time for your emotions to align with the truth of God’s forgiveness and your decision to forgive yourself.NO_PRINTED_FORM(#)

Remember, that in forgiving ourselves, we honor the sacrifice of Christ and open ourselves to the transformative power of His love. As you journey towards self-forgiveness, may you experience the freedom and peace that comes from embracing God’s boundless mercy and grace.

Is there a limit to how many times we should forgive?

When it comes to forgiveness, our Lord Jesus gives us a clear and challenging answer. When Peter asked Him, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus replied, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:21-22).(McBrien, 1994)

This response from our Lord is not meant to be taken literally as a mathematical formula, but rather as a powerful teaching on the limitless nature of forgiveness. Jesus is telling us that there should be no limit to our forgiveness, just as there is no limit to God’s forgiveness of us.

We must remember that forgiveness is at the very heart of the Gospel. Our Heavenly Father has forgiven us an immeasurable debt through the sacrifice of His Son. As recipients of this boundless mercy, we are called to extend the same forgiveness to others, no matter how many times they may wrong us.(McBrien, 1994)

But this does not mean that forgiveness is easy or that it should be given without discernment. Forgiveness does not equate to tolerating ongoing abuse or harmful behavior. We can forgive someone while still maintaining healthy boundaries and seeking justice where appropriate.(Hoffman, 2018)

It’s important to understand that forgiveness is not a one-time event, but an ongoing process. When we choose to forgive, we may need to reaffirm that decision many times, especially when memories of the hurt resurface or new offenses occur. This is part of the journey of forgiveness and reflects the depth of God’s ongoing forgiveness of us.(Hoffman, 2018)

Forgiving repeatedly does not mean we forget or excuse the offense. Rather, it means we choose, again and again, to release the offender from the debt they owe us and to let go of our desire for vengeance. We entrust justice to God, who sees all and judges righteously.(Cloud & Townsend, 2009; Hoffman, 2018)

In our human weakness, we may struggle with the idea of limitless forgiveness. It may seem impossible or even unfair. But let us remember that with God, all things are possible. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, we can grow in our capacity to forgive, reflecting more and more the merciful heart of our Father.

As we strive to forgive without limit, we participate in the divine nature of God, who is love. We break the cycle of revenge and bitterness, opening the way for healing and reconciliation. Let us pray for the grace to forgive as we have been forgiven, trusting that in this challenging but beautiful practice, we find our own liberation and draw closer to the heart of God.