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Dutch Category I: The Inner Work: Healing and Seeking Wisdom
Before any reunion can be considered, the heart must first find its foundation and healing in God. This is the essential, non-negotiable first step.
Psalm 147:3
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Reflection: This speaks to the profound truth that healing is not merely the passage of time, but a divine action. The heart, the seat of our deepest attachments and pains, can be mended by God. Before you can offer a whole heart to another, you must allow the Creator to tend to the wounds and fractures the breakup caused within your soul.
Proverbs 3:5-6
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Reflection: Our emotional understanding after a breakup is often clouded by loneliness, nostalgia, or fear. This verse is a call to surrender our flawed perceptions. It is an invitation to trust that God’s perspective is clearer than our own emotionally-charged analysis. True clarity comes not from figuring it all out, but from yielding to a wisdom higher than our own.
Philippians 4:6-7
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Reflection: The thought of reconciliation can unleash a storm of anxiety. This verse provides the spiritual antidote. By transforming our anxieties into prayers, we invite a supernatural peace to stand guard over our hearts and minds. This peace becomes a litmus test; a relationship reconsidered in chaos is suspect, but one approached from a place of God-given peace has a firmer foundation.
James 1:5
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”
Reflection: Deciding whether to get back together with an ex is a situation where human wisdom is profoundly insufficient. We are too close to it, too biased by our history. This is a direct invitation to ask for divine insight—not for a sign in the sky, but for a settled, clear-seeing wisdom in your spirit to discern if this is a path of restoration or a return to dysfunction.
Psalm 51:10
“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”
Reflection: This must be the prayer of both individuals. A relationship fails because of brokenness within one or both people. Reconciliation is only possible if there is a genuine, supernatural work of renewal. We must ask God to purify our motivations—are we seeking to heal, or merely to soothe our loneliness? A steadfast spirit is needed to avoid falling back into the same destructive patterns.
Romans 8:28
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Reflection: This truth provides ultimate security, whether you reconcile or not. Your ultimate good is not tied to a specific relationship outcome, but to God’s overarching purpose for your life. Clinging to this frees you from the desperate need for a particular person, allowing you to evaluate the possibility of reconciliation with less fear and more faith in God’s sovereign care.
Category II: The Heart of Reconciliation: Forgiveness and Love
If personal healing has begun, the focus can shift to the core principles that make any relationship possible: forgiveness, grace, and a love that is more than a feeling.
Ephesians 4:32
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Reflection: Reconciliation cannot be built on the sands of pretending wrongs didn’t happen. It must be built on the bedrock of forgiveness. This verse sets the standard impossibly high and then provides the means: we forgive because we have been forgiven. This isn’t about excusing hurtful behavior, but about releasing the other person from the debt of their wrongdoing in our hearts, freeing us both from the prison of bitterness.
Colossians 3:13-14
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
Reflection: This is the practical toolkit for a renewed relationship. “Bearing with each other” acknowledges that old annoyances and frictions will likely resurface. Forgiveness must be an ongoing commitment, not a one-time event. And love is the final, essential garment. It is an active, willful choice to seek the other’s good, which holds all the fragile, mended pieces together.
1 Peter 4:8
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
Reflection: This doesn’t mean “love is blind” or that you should ignore serious issues. It means that a deep, committed love creates a context of grace. It allows you to absorb minor frictions and overlook small offenses without keeping a meticulous record of wrongs. In a reconciled relationship, this kind of love is vital to prevent the past from constantly being thrown in the other person’s face.
Luke 15:20
“So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.”
Reflection: This image of the Prodigal Son’s father is our model. True reconciliation involves a heart of compassion that is willing to run toward the other, erasing the distance created by the hurt. It is a beautiful picture of grace in action, where the focus is not on the shame of the past but on the joy of the return. Both parties, in some way, must be willing to be the father in this story.
Matthew 18:21-22
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’”
Reflection: A restored relationship will inevitably test your capacity for forgiveness. Old wounds can be easily reopened. This verse reminds us that forgiveness isn’t a limited resource we dispense carefully. It must become a reflexive posture of the heart, a continuous flow of grace required to sustain love after a significant breach of trust.
Romans 12:18
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Reflection: This is a sobering and realistic boundary. Reconciliation takes two willing and changed hearts. You are only responsible for your part: your forgiveness, your repentance, your willingness to try. You cannot force change or peace upon your ex. This verse frees you from the burden of a failed reconciliation if the other person is unwilling or unable to do their part.
Category III: Rebuilding Anew: The Path to a Restored Relationship
Reconciliation is not about going back. It is about building something new on the foundation of what you have learned from the ruins of the old.
Isaiah 43:18-19
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
Reflection: This is the anthem for a second chance. God is a God of newness. A reconciled relationship cannot be a sequel; it must be a reboot. This requires a conscious decision from both people to not “dwell on the past”—not to romanticize what was broken or continually use it as a weapon. You must both believe that God can bring a vibrant, new relationship out of the wasteland of your breakup.
2 Corinthians 5:17
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”
Reflection: This is the ultimate test for whether reconciliation is wise. Has there been genuine, spiritual transformation? Are you both “new creations”? If you are the same two people with the same unresolved issues, you will simply recreate the same broken relationship. Look for evidence of true change—in character, in priorities, in spiritual maturity—as proof that “the old has gone.”
Amos 3:3
“Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?”
Reflection: This simple question holds profound relational truth. A restored relationship requires a new and explicit agreement. Are you walking in the same direction now? Do you share the same core values, the same vision for the future, the same understanding of what went wrong? Without this deep, mutual agreement, you will inevitably pull apart again.
Ephesians 4:2-3
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
Reflection: These are the character virtues that must be actively cultivated for a second attempt to succeed. The arrogance and impatience that likely contributed to the breakup must be replaced with intentional humility and gentleness. Unity and peace are not passive states; they require constant, active “effort” from both people.
Proverbs 27:17
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
Reflection: Ask this critical question: will this restored relationship sharpen you, making you better, holier, and more Christ-like? Or will it dull you, pulling you back into old sins and unhealthy emotional patterns? A godly relationship is a tool for mutual sanctification. If it doesn’t have the potential to be that, it is not worth rebuilding.
Genesis 2:24
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
Reflection: This reminds us of the sacred goal. The point of a romantic covenant is not just companionship; it is a profound “one flesh” union. Getting back together should be considered with this holy endgame in mind. It is not a casual experiment, but a potential step toward a sacred, binding covenant. This high view protects us from treating reunion lightly.
Category IV: Discerning God’s Will: When to Let Go
Sometimes, the most spiritual and psychologically healthy path is not reconciliation, but release. Wisdom involves knowing when a door is meant to stay closed.
2 Corinthians 6:14
“Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”
Reflection: This principle is crucial. If the breakup revealed a fundamental difference in spiritual foundations—one person is committed to Christ and the other is not—then reconciliation is spiritually dangerous. A shared life must be built on a shared Lord. To ignore this is to build a life on an irreparable fault line.
Proverbs 4:23
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Reflection: Your heart is the wellspring of your spiritual and emotional life. If getting back with an ex—especially one who was toxic, abusive, or spiritually damaging—would poison that wellspring, you have a divine command to protect it. This is not selfish; it is an act of stewardship over the soul God has entrusted to you.
Philippians 3:13-14
“…Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
Reflection: There are times when looking back prevents us from moving forward into God’s calling. Some relationships are part of the “what is behind” that must be forgotten. If reconciliation would mean abandoning the new growth and forward momentum God has given you since the breakup, then you must choose to “press on” toward God’s future, not return to the past.
Ecclesiastes 3:1, 6
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens… a time to search and a time to give up,”
Reflection: This brings a profound sense of permission to let go. Not everything lost is meant to be found again. There are seasons in life. A relationship may have been for a particular season, and that season is now over. Accepting this allows you to release the relationship without judging it as a complete failure, but rather as a chapter that has reached its appointed end.
Psalm 37:4
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
Reflection: This verse reorients our source of fulfillment. Often, the desire to reunite is a cry to have our needs for love and acceptance met. This verse promises that if we make God our ultimate delight and source of joy, He will shape and fulfill our deepest desires. He may do that through a restored relationship, or He may do it by satisfying our hearts so completely in Him that the longing for our ex fades into a healthy peace.
Isaiah 55:9
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Reflection: Ultimately, we may never fully understand why a relationship failed or whether it “should” have worked out. This verse invites us into a posture of deep trust and humility. God’s plan is vast, and His wisdom is inscrutable. Whether He leads you back together or leads you on separately, you can rest in the knowledge that His way, though mysterious, is higher and better than the one you might have scripted for yourself.
