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Summary
- In the first 72 hours after your wife finds out: answer her questions truthfully, don’t pour out details she has not asked for, remove your access to porn, and don’t press her to forgive you.
- The truth told in pieces does lasting harm: in a 1998 survey, 70% of partners had been through more than one major disclosure. If she asks whether there is more, tell her all of it now.
- Let her questions set the level of detail. The survey’s authors concluded that a first disclosure usually helps most when it covers the major facts and leaves out the “gory details”.
- Delete what you can and block every device, but don’t make your wife the one who checks; give your reports to another man you trust.
- “Forgive and forget” was the advice betrayed women found least helpful in a 2017 survey; forgiveness, reconciliation and trust are different things, and no one can give her a date.
- She may hear her injury explained as addiction and trauma or as deception and abuse; both agree the hiding did real harm and she is not to blame. If she is afraid of you, her safety comes before everything else.
- Help exists for both of you: free courses, groups and a counselling line for her; confession, an ally, free groups, a doctor or therapist and crisis lines for you.
Bibliography (Click to show)
- World English Bible (public domain): Proverbs 28:13; Matthew 5:28; James 1:19; James 5:16; Romans 13:14; 1 John 1:9; Psalm 51 (heading and verse 17). https://ebible.org/eng-web/
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- United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography (2015). https://www.usccb.org/resources/Create-in-Me-a-Clean-Heart-Statement-on-Pornography.pdf
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- Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 2843. https://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/__PAB.HTM
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- Sergei Sveshnikov, “Position on Pornography,” Pravmir, 21 January 2015, on Matthew 5:28 in Orthodox teaching. https://www.pravmir.com/position-pornography/
- Greek Orthodox Cathedral of the Annunciation, Atlanta, “Divorce” (grounds for an ecclesiastical divorce in the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America). https://www.atlgoc.org/divorce
- John Piper, “Is My Husband’s Porn a Marriage Deal-Breaker?” Ask Pastor John, episode 165, Desiring God, 4 September 2013. https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/is-my-husbands-porn-a-marriage-deal-breaker
- Thomas R. Schreiner, “Is Pornography Use Ever Grounds for Divorce?” 9Marks, 29 October 2018. https://www.9marks.org/article/is-pornography-use-ever-grounds-for-divorce/
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- John Wesley, “Rules of the Band-Societies” (1738), in Grindrod, A Compendium of the Laws and Regulations of Wesleyan Methodism (1842), chapter 7.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, “Should I go to couples therapy with my abusive partner?” https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/ and contact details, https://www.thehotline.org/
- Relate, “Information for professionals,” on joint sessions where there is abuse. https://www.relate.org.uk/what-we-do/information-professionals
- Betrayal Trauma Recovery. https://www.btr.org/
- Harvest USA, Hope in Your Heartbreak: First Steps for Sexually Betrayed Wives. https://harvestusa.org/courses/hope-in-your-heartbreak/
- Pure Desire Ministries, Breakthrough Groups. https://puredesire.org/groups
- Bloom for Catholic Women. https://www.bloomforcatholicwomen.com/
- S-Anon Family Groups. https://sanon.org/
- Focus on the Family, Counseling Services and Referrals. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/counseling-services-and-referrals/
- Sexaholics Anonymous. https://www.sa.org/
- Celebrate Recovery. https://www.celebraterecovery.com/
- Catholic in Recovery, About Meetings. https://catholicinrecovery.com/about-meetings/
- Crisis and help lines, each read on its own page on 8 October 2026: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (https://988lifeline.org/); 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline, Canada (https://988.ca/); Samaritans, UK and Ireland (https://www.samaritans.org/); Lifeline Australia (https://www.lifeline.org.au/); 1737, New Zealand (https://1737.org.nz/); National Domestic Abuse Helpline, England (https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/); Women’s Aid, Ireland (https://www.womensaid.ie/); 1800RESPECT, Australia (https://www.1800respect.org.au/); Women’s Refuge, New Zealand (https://womensrefuge.org.nz/get-help/).
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