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Japanese Yes, it is common. In a study of 232 newlywed couples, at least one partner in two-thirds of couples had felt uncertain about getting married, though wives’ doubts predicted a higher divorce rate. Scripture is silent on doubts before a wedding, but it tells of Joseph, who meant to end his betrothal to Mary until an angel changed his mind.
Joseph is good company for any of us who hesitate. Matthew calls him “a just man” at the very moment he had resolved to end the betrothal, and the angel’s first words to him were “do not fear.” His doubt was not a sin, and it was not the end of his story. When he woke, “he took his wife.”
What does the Bible say about doubts before marriage?
No passage speaks about doubts before a wedding, but Matthew tells of a man who meant to end his betrothal. Mary was betrothed to Joseph, and “before they came together she was found to be with child.” Matthew continues: “her husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly.” An angel then told him in a dream, “do not fear to take Mary as your wife,” and when Joseph woke “he took his wife” (Matthew 1:18–24).
Other doubters in Scripture, such as Zechariah when he was told his wife would bear a son (Luke 1:18) and Thomas after the resurrection (John 20:24–29), doubted what God had promised, not whether to marry. Proverbs gives general counsel about plans: “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22). James writes, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him” (James 1:5).
Is it a sin to have doubts about getting married?
Scripture never calls hesitation about a marriage a sin. Matthew calls Joseph “a just man” at the moment he had resolved to end his betrothal. The churches ask that marriage be chosen freely and with care. In Catholic teaching each person’s consent must be “free of coercion or grave external fear,” and “if this freedom is lacking the marriage is invalid” (Catechism of the Catholic Church 1628); canon law says the same of a marriage entered “because of force or grave fear from without” (canon 1103). The marriage service of the 1662 Book of Common Prayer says marriage is not to be “taken in hand, unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly,” but “reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God.”
An engagement is a promise, not a marriage. The Catholic Code of Canon Law says that “a promise to marry does not give rise to an action to seek the celebration of marriage” (canon 1062), which means no one can be compelled to go through with an engagement, though damages may be owed where warranted.
Should you get married if you have doubts?
Research suggests that doubts before a wedding are common and not always harmless. Justin Lavner, Benjamin Karney and Thomas Bradbury of the University of California, Los Angeles asked 464 newlyweds, from couples who married in the Los Angeles area in the early 1990s, whether they had ever been “uncertain or hesitant about getting married.” Forty-seven percent of husbands and 38 percent of wives said yes. Four years later, 19 percent of the wives who had doubts were divorced, compared with 8 percent of wives who had none; for husbands the figures were 14 and 9 percent, a difference that was not statistically significant. Among couples who stayed married, both husbands’ and wives’ doubts predicted less satisfying marriages, though the husbands’ result disappeared once the researchers accounted for neuroticism. The authors note two limits: doubts were measured by a single yes-or-no question, and the data were about twenty years old when they published in 2012.
The Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius of Loyola, a classic Catholic guide to discernment, give a rule about changing course. Ignatius describes spiritual desolation as a state in which “one finds oneself all lazy, tepid, sad, and as if separated from his Creator and Lord,” and his fifth rule says: “In time of desolation never to make a change; but to be firm and constant in the resolutions and determination in which one was the day preceding such desolation.”
Does marriage preparation help with doubts?
Catholic canon law obliges pastors to offer “personal preparation to enter marriage, which disposes the spouses to the holiness and duties of their new state” (canon 1063). The Orthodox Church in America’s bishops teach that “couples planning to marry are to be properly counseled and prepared to confront the challenges of the married life.”
In a survey of randomly selected households in four American states, published in 2006, Scott Stanley, Paul Amato, Christine Johnson and Howard Markman found that couples who had taken part in premarital education reported more satisfaction and commitment in marriage, less conflict, and lower odds of divorce. The authors caution that a survey of this kind allows only weak conclusions about cause and effect.
Whatever we decide, we need not decide alone. Joseph’s answer came to him in the night, and James promises wisdom to anyone who asks, from a God “who gives generously to all without reproach” (James 1:5).
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