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Japanese No, a kiss before marriage is not a sin in itself, and no verse in the Bible forbids one. What Scripture forbids is lust and sexual immorality, and it asks us to honour one another. A kiss becomes a sin when it is given for lust, leads toward sex outside marriage, or takes advantage of someone.
Scripture is full of kisses, and it reads each one by the heart behind it. Jacob kissed Rachel at a well and wept. Judas came near to kiss Jesus and betrayed him with it. Paul wanted even the greeting at church to be “an holy kiss” (Romans 16:16). So the question for a couple is the old one: what does this kiss mean, and whom does it serve?
What does the Bible say about kissing?
Most kisses in the Bible are greetings and goodbyes between relatives and friends. When Jacob met his cousin Rachel at a well, “Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept” (Genesis 29:11). Only then did he tell her who he was. When David and Jonathan said goodbye, “they kissed one another, and wept one with another” (1 Samuel 20:41).
| Who | Passage | What the kiss meant |
|---|---|---|
| Jacob and Rachel | Genesis 29:11 | A family greeting between cousins |
| David and Jonathan | 1 Samuel 20:41 | Two friends parting |
| The first Christians | Romans 16:16; 1 Peter 5:14 | The holy kiss of greeting |
| The bride and her beloved | Song of Solomon 1:2 | Love between bride and groom |
| The woman in Proverbs 7 | Proverbs 7:13 | The start of a seduction |
| Judas | Luke 22:47–48 | Betrayal |
The first Christians greeted one another with a kiss. Paul closes his letter to the Romans with “Salute one another with an holy kiss” (Romans 16:16), and Peter writes, “Greet ye one another with a kiss of charity” (1 Peter 5:14). A kiss on the cheek as a greeting is the same kind of kiss. The thirteenth-century theologian Thomas Aquinas noted that a kiss can be given with no lust at all, “as being the custom of one’s country”.
The early church took care that the holy kiss stayed holy. Around AD 177 Athenagoras of Athens wrote a defence of the Christians to the emperors Marcus Aurelius and Commodus. Christians, he told them, “exercise the greatest care that their bodies should remain undefiled and uncorrupted”. He then quoted a saying that is not in the Bible: “If any one kiss a second time because it has given him pleasure, [he sins].” The greeting, he went on, “should be given with the greatest care”. Clement of Alexandria put the point another way: “love is not proved by a kiss, but by kindly feeling.”
Only one book of the Bible celebrates romantic kissing. The Song of Solomon opens with the bride’s words, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine” (Song of Solomon 1:2), and her beloved calls her “my sister, my spouse” (4:9). Later the bride wishes he were her brother. Then, she says, “when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised” (8:1). “Without” here means outdoors. If he were her brother, a kiss outdoors would bring her no scorn.
Scripture also tells of false kisses. In Proverbs 7 a seduction begins with one: “So she caught him, and kissed him” (Proverbs 7:13). When Judas led a crowd to Jesus and came near to kiss him, Jesus asked, “Judas, betrayest thou the Son of man with a kiss?” (Luke 22:48). A kiss can be love, greeting, temptation or betrayal, depending on the intention behind it.
Where does the Bible draw the line?
Jesus extended the commandment against adultery from the act to the heart. He said: “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matthew 5:27–28). If a look can be adultery of the heart, so can a kiss sought for lust. Two people can share the same kiss with very different intentions. What Jesus taught about lust, and the habits that help against it, are set out in how to overcome lust as a Christian.
The second line is sexual immorality. Paul writes: “For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God” (1 Thessalonians 4:3–5). Modern translations such as the NIV, the ESV and the NRSV-CE take “his vessel” to mean his own body, so the verse asks each believer to learn to control his body in holiness and honour. All three add a footnote with another possible reading, about taking or living with a wife.
The third line is the other person. The same passage continues, “That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter” (4:6). Modern translations give this as wronging a brother or sister, or taking advantage of one. Paul told Timothy to treat “the younger men as brethren” and the younger women “as sisters, with all purity” (1 Timothy 5:1–2). A kiss pressed on someone who does not want it breaks that rule. So does a kiss used to lead someone further than they meant to go.
The fourth line is conscience. Writing about food, Paul set down a principle: “whatsoever is not of faith is sin” (Romans 14:23). If you believe kissing is wrong for you, then for you it is, and a boyfriend or girlfriend should respect that.
Some readers point to Paul’s words “It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (1 Corinthians 7:1). Paul was answering questions the Corinthians had sent him (“Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me”). His reply in the next verse is about marriage: “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” His subject is sexual relations, not every touch between a man and a woman.
Is kissing fornication?
No, a kiss is not fornication. Fornication is sexual intercourse between unmarried people. The Catechism of the Catholic Church gives the definition in one line: “Fornication is carnal union between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman.” But Jesus also called lust “adultery with her already in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). So a kiss given for lust is a sin of the heart, even though it is not fornication. What Scripture says about fornication itself is gathered in what the Bible says about sex before marriage.
Thomas Aquinas, whose answer Catholic writers still cite, asked “Whether there can be mortal sin in touches and kisses?” In Catholic teaching a mortal sin is a grave sin, committed knowingly and freely, that turns a person away from God until they repent, normally in confession. Aquinas answered that “a kiss, caress, or touch does not, of its very nature, imply a mortal sin”. But “when these kisses and caresses are done for this delectation, it follows that they are mortal sins”. Delectation here means the pleasure of lust. The Westminster Larger Catechism, a standard of Presbyterian churches, likewise counts “wanton looks” and “all unclean imaginations, thoughts, purposes, and affections” among the sins forbidden by the commandment against adultery.
Can a Christian couple kiss while dating?
Yes, within limits. None of the church documents quoted below forbids a kiss as such, and all of them ask for chastity. Where Christians differ is on how much physical affection suits a dating couple.
| Tradition | A kiss in itself | Where the line falls |
|---|---|---|
| Catholic | Not sinful by its nature | Kisses sought for sexual pleasure |
| Orthodox | No fixed rule | Limits set for each stage of a relationship |
| Lutheran | No rule on kissing | A chaste life in words and deeds |
| Reformed | No rule on kissing | Guarding the senses and avoiding temptation |
| Evangelical | Views differ | Often no making out; some wait for the wedding |
Catholic
The Catechism does not mention kissing. It defines lust as “disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure”, and adds: “Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.” To engaged couples it says: “They should reserve for marriage the expressions of affection that belong to married love. They will help each other grow in chastity.”
Catholic writers apply this in different ways. Anna Hitchings gave her own view in a 2020 opinion column for Sydney’s The Catholic Weekly. She wrote: “While the Church’s dictates surrounding sexual intimacy outside of marriage are clear, the rules on other forms of intimacy are less so, especially when it comes to kissing.” She allows that a couple could keep to light kisses. She knows Catholics who kissed before marrying “without compromising the chastity of their relationship”, but she answers at once: “The problem with this is you will always be tempted to take it further.” On making out she is firm: “passionate kissing or ‘making out’ between unmarried persons is nothing less than a mortal sin.”
Orthodox
The Orthodox Church in America teaches young people to set their own limits for each stage of a relationship. Its study guide for teenagers, Two Become One, asks them to draw a time line from friendship through dating, a steady relationship and engagement to marriage. On it they place each step of physical closeness, from looking and hugging to “light kissing” and beyond. In the guide’s words, “This time line will help us answer a question: ‘How far should I go?’” The guide asks for “the choice for chastity, and until marriage, celibacy as well”. Celibacy here means not having sex.
Lutheran and Reformed
Luther’s Small Catechism explains the commandment against adultery in one sentence: “We should fear and love God that we may lead a chaste and decent life in words and deeds, and each love and honor his spouse.” The Westminster Larger Catechism lists among the duties of the same commandment “watchfulness over the eyes and all the senses” and “shunning all occasions of uncleanness, and resisting temptations thereunto”. Both leave the believer to apply chastity to a kiss.
Evangelical
Evangelical ministries and writers differ. Got Questions Ministries, an evangelical question-and-answer site, says the boundaries a couple needs “may not be the same for all people”. Some couples “save their first kiss for the wedding day”, while “Others believe long, passionate kisses are appropriate for those approaching marriage because the commitment is already in place.” A Crosswalk advice columnist admitted that “we will never have a clear cut consensus among believers as to the appropriateness of how far one should (or can) go when dating.”
How far is too far is a question of its own, answered in what the Bible says about physical intimacy before marriage.
Is making out a sin?
Catholic and evangelical writers agree that making out as a normal part of dating is a sin. In the words of Got Questions, “make-out sessions as a normal part of a dating relationship create lustful passions that cannot be righteously fulfilled. This is also sin,” and Hitchings, quoted above, calls passionate kissing between unmarried people a mortal sin. Aquinas’s test shows why. He judged a kiss by its purpose, and a kiss that is still a sign of affection is a different act from one that has become a step toward sex.
Why do some Christians save their first kiss for the wedding?
Some couples decide not to kiss until they marry. Christians who prefer courtship to dating, Got Questions explains, “take the position that the couple should have no physical contact at all (no touching, no handholding, no kissing) until marriage.” Some Catholic couples make the same choice. Hitchings told of a couple, John and Katie, who about 18 months into their relationship stopped all kissing on the lips. They kept that promise until their wedding more than two years later. “It was tough for about the first two months,” John said, “but afterwards we were free from unruly passions to develop genuine affection for one another and to serve and sacrifice for each other.”
Couples who choose it and couples who do not can respect each other. Near the end of its comparison of dating and courtship, Got Questions says: “Neither dating nor courtship is mandated in Scripture.” It adds, “Looking down on those who make the opposite choice is prideful.”
Is it different once you are engaged?
Engagement brings the wedding close, and Christian teaching still keeps sex for the marriage itself. The Catechism asks engaged couples to “live chastity in continence”, meaning without sexual relations. Got Questions allows more room for a kiss: “An engaged couple who enjoy a long, passionate kiss before parting for the evening may not be sinning if their desires are pure and the kiss is an expression of selfless love.” Whom God Has Joined is a marriage preparation course for engaged couples.
What if you have gone further than you meant to?
Then you are not alone. The Orthodox study guide describes our life plainly: “We fall, we get up, we fall, we get up; and God is with us all the way.” Its advice for getting up is concrete: “Go to confession; talk to a priest, parent, friend; repent and ask God for forgiveness.” Then talk with each other, set the limit again, and plan your time together so that keeping it is easier. The heart that went too far is the very thing God promises to make clean: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
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